The JOE-DOWN Reviews Episodes 11, 12 And 13 Of ‘Fuller House’

All right, this concludes “Fuller House” week here at the JOE-DOWN, where we have previously reviewed the first 10 episodes of the Netflix revival of “Full House.” Today, we wrap it up with the final three episodes.

ugh

Episode 11: “Partnerships in the Night”

(Dr. Harmon is retiring from the pet clinic, leaving DJ convinced that she will be taking over the business soon.)

Froemming: This episode opens with Ramona doing her best Elaine Dancing Impression from “Seinfeld,” when Max yells for some toilet paper. Max, you are old enough to notice if the roll is empty before you sit down to do your business. DJ, you are raising barely functioning children.

Brown: I won’t bring up how unfathomably messed up it is to me that Max is bringing a baby into the bathroom with him while he poops.

But what was more disturbing to me is when Stephanie comes home from a night of partying, she looks for relief by carrying a bottle of Mylanta in her purse (to play off DJ’s long-standing catchphrase). I am convinced the Mylanta bottle was filled with vodka.

And, we got a “The View” joke, because Candace Cameron Bure. *GROAN* STOP WITH THE FOURTH WALL JOKES.

Froemming: This show is trying to combine the family comedy of “Full House” with the meta humor of “Community” and is failing at it. Badly. Just. Stop. It.

So, Dr. Harmon (Matt’s dad) is retiring, and has hired the unstable Kimmy Gibbler to make this party happen. Kimmy nearly loses whatever semblance of her sanity that is still intact when she finds out Dr. Harmon has changed his mind, and now wants an Indian themed party at the last moment. Also, she hires the house drunk Stephanie to help her out.

Brown: And while this is going on, Ramona and Jackson try looking up something on DJ’s laptop, only to accidently install a computer virus, which is a full screen of a skull that says “You got pwned,” because “Fuller House” is all about understanding Internet culture.

Then in one of the weirdest bits in this whole series, Max decides to front the money to help them pay a tech guy to remove said virus, and Max does this whole B-plot bit like a Bond villain.

Froemming: Max has a plastic bag full of cash. When I saw that, it hit me: Max is Stephanie’s drug dealer. It is the only thing that makes sense at this point.

Brown: My notes for when Max brings out his Zip-lock bag of money: Is Max a drug dealer? At the very least, Max is the kind of kid who thinks you can’t trust the banks because of the Illuminati. He probably also thinks that jet fuel cannot melt steel beams.

Meanwhile, Kimmy and Stephanie are still trying to put together this Indian-themed party for Dr. Harmon because he’s going through a Hindu phase, and Stephanie is doing a decent job, save for letting a cow into the house. And if you think “Fuller House” is above “Holy Cow” jokes… it is not.

Froemming: It is here that I realized that DJ has no real grip on how the real world works. She thinks because she has worked at this vet for seven years, she should be handed the business when Dr. Harmon retires, despite never owning a business or having any knowledge of how to own a business her entire life. I’m sorry, but that is just ridiculous.

Brown: Well, nepotism is a real thing, so her worry did make sense to me. My concern is how low are DJ’s standards? Do you want your end goal in life to be owning a small pet clinic in the Chinatown part of San Francisco?

Something I must applaud this episode for (and I can’t believe I’m doing this either) is that with having an Indian-themed party, they really didn’t do too many Indian stereotype jokes to try and get cheap laughs. I think there was one curry joke and that was about it.

Froemming: You are forgetting about the Sacred Cow one-liner when the cow barges into the house. But yeah, I agree with you on that.

Brown: That one was relatively harmless. I’m just saying, they could have gone full Apu and didn’t. And I can appreciate that.

What I don’t appreciate is the 90-second dance sequence with all the partygoers because “Fuller House” can’t avoid using every sitcom trope. Just, all of a sudden, everyone knows how to put on a big dance number… I am fairly certain that there is only one choreographer in San Francisco and this entire party visits them.

Fuller-House-4

Froemming: Before the party, DJ finds out that Dr. Harmon is giving his business to his son, Matt. Again, DJ, he has business owning experience and is also a vet. You are living with your sister and your deranged friend in a house that should be boarded up and made into a mental hospital.

Brown: And they think it’s a good idea to mix business with pleasure. First, that is a terrible idea because if your relationship goes sour, the pet clinic is sure to suffer. Second, and most importantly, YOU ARE NOT A COUPLE YET! Steve is still in the picture, DJ, and you refuse to cut him loose. How the hell is Matt supposed to trust you? YOU’RE GOING ON A DATE WITH STEVE IN THE NEXT EPISODE!

But, they get to make out in the party, and I envision Steve curled up on the floor in the fetal position, sobbing into a puddle of tears listening to Simple Plan’s “Untitled” on repeat.

Froemming: Yeah, that whole being business partners while on the fence with dating can only spell disaster for those two.

Also, Dr. Harmon was so impressed with the party (that Stephanie made a success) that he gives them a huge tip. That Kimmy immediately pockets. My note on that scene: You’re not fooling me like that junkie you just tricked, Kimmy Gibbler!

So, heading into the last two episodes, we have the love triangle between DJ, Matt and, somehow, Steve.

Fuller House
Fuller House

Episode 12: “Save the Dates”

(DJ has a date with her past that catches her off guard, and Kimmy’s date with Fernando is nothing but surprises.)

Brown: Before DJ finally goes on her date with Steve, let’s get a few quick things out of the way:

  • Max and Jackson have a subplot where they play Jenga a bunch of times and because Max is a dullard, he keeps losing. Stephanie encourages Jackson to let his little brother win. Fine. Whatever.
  • Stephanie puts headphones on Tommy’s ears to listen to a song she made. I’m convinced Tommy is now deaf.
  • There is a Twister joke that keeps getting made between DJ and Stephanie. That pays off later.

And now, Steve gets his chance at love and wants to relive their high school romance. And he starts this by wearing his letterman jacket and a wig. He looks like an even more depressing Steve Holt from “Arrested Development.” Hell, his name is similar: STEVE HALE!

Froemming: I had the Steve Holt resemblance in my notes as well.

Let’s get this straight: DJ is on the fence who to date, Matt who seems normal (outside his bringing tequila to a child’s birthday) and Steve, who dresses in a goofy wig and wears his old high school jacket, as if that’s what he wants DJ’s last sight to be before he buries her alive. Because he is obviously unhinged at this point.

Brown: With Steve’s nostalgia date, I really got a good laugh at him saying he had Alanis Morissette playing in his car considering the urban legend about “You Oughta Know” being written about her former boyfriend Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey).

Froemming: I also discovered that for 20 years, I was wrong about a lyric in that song. I always thought she said “cross-eyed bear.” I’m glad I wasn’t alone in thinking this. Silly, sure, but I was never a fan of her music.

Brown: Something disturbing from this episode that needs to be addressed. After Max finally beats Jackson in Jenga (and Jackson barely puts any effort into this farce), Max starts talking trash. And one of the first things he chants is “Ali, boma ye!” So, when Muhammad Ali boxed George Foreman in the “Rumble in the Jungle,” the fans from Zaire (now Congo) chanted that as the fight drew near. Know what that chant translates to, Max? It means, “Ali, kill him.” Read a book, Max. Watch a documentary. Twerp.

Froemming: And before DJ heads toward her inevitable doom date with Steve, Stephanie and Kimmy let her know who they are rooting for. Again, here is my note from this: Kimmy is Team Steve. Stephanie is Team Matt. I’m Team Burn-This-House-To-The-Ground.

Then we have Ramona walk in on her parents making out, giving her false hope for a bright future with a stable family. Sorry, Ramona, that will never be in the cards for you with those people in your life.

And it is during Fernando’s wacky surprises in wooing Kimmy that I nearly thought I was having a stroke. Because out of nowhere, Mr. Clean and a migrant worker pop out of a closet to surprise Kimmy!

mor clean

Brown: This is part of a romantic scavenger hunt that Fernando has put together to try and woo his wife (which, to reiterate, he cheated on in the past). And part of the surprise is Mr. Clean and the migrant worker come out of Ramona’s closet to give Kimmy a mani/pedi. But the most disturbing thing is a woman appears out of the aether to give Kimmy a wax.

Now, imagine you’re Ramona, and you walk innocently into your room, only to see your mom getting a Brazilian. Freud would have a field day with this thought.

Froemming: And DJ and Steve are wrapping up their date by making food.

This leads to two disturbing things:

  • Steve is really trying to get DJ drunk. He went from “quirky” to “call the cops on this pervert” very quickly and it was not cool.
  • They reenact the pottery scene from “Ghost,” but with hamburger meat and a very out-of-tune rendition of “Unchained Melody.”

Brown: Ugg… the ground beef rendition of “Ghost” may be the most unsexy thing I’ve seen.

Because the date is now taking place at the house, Steve gets to mingle with the kids, and Max ends up beating on Steve. Look, let’s just pick a winner in this whole “Bachelorette” plot: Steve got taken down and dominated by an obnoxious 8-year-old. MATT WINS! Can we PLEASE end this travesty?!

No. No we can not, because we have to see that Twister joke finally pay off… In a matchup 26 years in the making, Stephanie and DJ play Twister to see who truly is the superior Tanner. And, DJ wins because she has bad breath. I… yeah, my words, they have left me.

Froemming: Yup, I will leave it to the reader to watch that uncomfortable dance scene between Kimmy and Stephanie, because there is not enough bleach in the world to purify my eyes from that.

But hey, a bird flies out of the sky with a ring. And Fernando asks for a divorce. For a brief moment, I thought somebody in this show had come to their senses. But nope, they are getting remarried.

Brown: When that bird flew in, I wrote in my notes: Am I on acid? To note, no, I was not on acid. I was completely sober. And I wish I wasn’t.

Yeah, I think the “Fuller House” writers had a wedding as the final cliche to pull out of their hat. And because I am so, so tired and have developed a thousand-yard stare like Joker in “Full Metal Jacket,” let’s just get to the final episode.

Fuller House
Fuller House

Episode 13: “Love Is in the Air”

(When Jesse and Becky return to renew their vows, a bachelorette party leads to trouble for DJ, who has to decide between Matt and Steve.)

Froemming: “Joe Brown and I have crawled to freedom through 13 episodes of sh**-smelling foulness most can’t even imagine — or maybe they just don’t want to.” — Me, after the final episode.

OK, so here we are. The end. The final episode. And hey, it is just as wacky as all the others!

Uncle Jesse and Becky are back in town to renew the vows of a blank, loveless marriage and have hired Kimmy — of all people — to plan it. Of course, Kimmy and Fernando want to piggyback on this with their re-marriage or whatever the hell they call it. And still charge Jesse and Becky for it.

Brown: OK, after our last visit with Becky, I sincerely hope she’s back on her meds.

But on a more serious note, was “Fuller House” made because John Stamos needed some quick cash? With these phoned-in plots, I think he’s just not making enough money on Dannon’s Greek yogurt commercials.

Froemming: I’ve said it earlier, but it bears repeating: John Stamos hates life. That’s why this show exists. He wants us all to be miserable, just like him.

Brown: Well, with two weddings on the way, the girls have a bachelorette party and Uncle Jesse is left watching Tommy and the rest of the kids. He proceeds to give Jackson horrible advice about romancing a woman at a wedding (yes, Jackson is still trying to wow Lola), and he feeds Tommy, a baby, mind you, a cheeseburger. To be fair, Jesse is the kind of uncle I am to my seven nieces and one nephew. You got a tooth? OK, cool, have some McDonald’s.

Froemming: You feed infants cheeseburgers? And dress them like Elvis? This show has really gotten to you.

Anyway, Jesse is sitting in the dark with Tommy, which is creepy on its own, but the girls come back drunks and singing Spice Girls — because the 90s never died in this world. And, in their stupor, Stephanie calls Matt saying DJ likes him and Kimmy calls Steve (who is probably drowning rats in his kitchen) saying DJ likes him.

Then they all get on the horn and call Michelle at 5 a.m. in New York and spew her old catchphrases onto her voicemail. Because that is all they apparently know about her. I imagine she escaped young and smartly refused to look back at this screwed up family.Preview

Brown: Did you notice that when Kimmy was calling Steve that she was chomping on a giant block of cheese? She is Charlie Kelly from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”

The next morning, we had weddings to attend, but UH OH, DJ has two dates because her friends drunk dial. And, by the end of the night, she has to choose one of them.

Froemming: Max is upset that the Gibblers will be leaving the house after the marriage. This is further proof this kid is not right in the head.

Anyway, we have this backyard wedding officiated by none other than Uncle Joey in a skirt and a hockey jersey. He is a coat of lipstick away from being hauled away to an insane asylum.

creepy

Brown: Look Froemming, you’re going to have to take the lead on this whole thing because once Joey showed up, I just saw a white flash of rage. I have three pages of notes that say I HATE JOEY! and I HATE MR. WOODCHUCK (who Joey professes his love to). The only person I hate more than Joey right now is my co-worker Kyle Stevens. He suggested we do “Fuller House” and I fight the urge every day to scream at him.

Froemming: Joey officiates this thing as a pastor of Our Lady of the Holy Goalie. I, too, flashed blinding rage here. And when Joey professed his love to a puppet, I almost broke down and started sobbing from knowing I have sat through all 13 episodes of this garbage. My cat wouldn’t even look me in the eye at this point.

Anyway, things are going smoothly, Jesse and Becky say “I do” and Fernando does the same. Now we have Kimmy running from the altar and back THREE TIMES! She just starts nearly mainlining wedding cake and questions her life choices, much like I have been questioning her life choices this whole damn run.

Brown: The runaway bride thing was a 10-minute joke that ran 9 minutes, 59 seconds too long. And because reasons, Kimmy decides that she and Fernando should just be engaged for a while longer before tying the knot again.

You said before that you were on Team Burn-the-House-to-the-Ground. At this point, I am in support of this house going up like the school in “Carrie.”

And because he’s the only one who can escape the Matrix, Jesse and Becky run off before any more damage can be done to their acting careers.

Froemming: And now we have DJ making the big decision: Go out with Matt or go out with creepy Steve. There is an obvious answer here, and you can sense a million voices screaming in agony at their TV screens for DJ to make the rational choice. And she choses…

Brown: Herself! Because we need sequel baiting! And as soon as this happened, I yelled at my TV words that I cannot repeat on this blog as long as I want to remain gainfully employed.

Before we sign off here, and because we need more torture: We find out DJ is short for Donna Jo. She’s one of us, Froemming. ONE. OF. US.

Froemming: And with that nugget of info that will keep me up crying at night, let’s march these bleeding husks of our former selves to recommendations.

Would You Recommend?:

Froemming: Yes, I want the world to experience the torture we went through. Watch it, you know you want to.

In reality, this show was very, very bad. But the silver lining is that if you really like “Full House,” this show is directly targeted at you. Kids will probably like it. It is a harmless family sitcom. It just is not a sitcom for someone like me. I didn’t find the nostalgia enduring, I found it grating. But for others, again, you might enjoy it.

Brown: For as much pain and misery the past week has brought us, yes, I would recommend “Fuller House.” But not because I want the world to burn because of what Froemming and I went through.

In watching this show, I repeatedly got told by the younger members of my family (see: Middle school and below) that they loved this show. And I mentioned at one point that “Fuller House” was structured like a Disney Channel show. That’s how “Full House” was when I was a kid, but we don’t view it quite that way because we’re blinded by nostalgia.

As a cynical adult, this show is hell on Earth. But if you have pre-teens, sure, give it a view.

The En…

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

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