*Sigh* OK, it is once again “Fuller House” week here at the JOE-DOWN! Each day, we will review two episodes of the second season of Netflix revival of “Full House.” This will run until Saturday.
Episode 5: “Doggy Daddy”
(A not-so-typical day involves a dance audition, a toddler play date, four chickens and a vet emergency. Matt comes to an important realization)
Brown: This episode starts off the same way I start off every viewing of “Fuller House:” With Stephanie pleading for her family to leave her alone. She wants to read books and veg out from her “demanding” lifestyle of… vegging out. DJ wants the living room for a toddler playdate, and Ramona needs the living room to perform a dance audition for a famed coach at a local arts school.
This seems simple enough, right? Needs take precedent over wants, folks. But no, Stephanie and DJ are too selfish to help out their niece.
Have I mentioned that I hate these characters? And this show?
Froemming: I am not going to bury the lede on this episode. This is the episode Max almost kills the family dog with a corn cob. Because Max is insane and disturbed and is probably a future Ted Bundy in the making.
But yes, Stephanie is reading books about rock stars like …. Ariana Grande? Sure, why the (REDACTED) not at this point?
Brown: OK, forget everything else at this point and let’s dive into Max’s psychosis so far in Season 2.
So far, a big plot point has been this school project he’s working on called “One Kid Can Make A Difference.” Basically, it’s things to do to help the environment. We all did this: Buy reusable goods, recycle, if it’s yellow, let it mellow. But no, Max has to take all this WAYYYYYY too far. That’s why he claims to be a vegetarian now. It’s why he takes his gross used bath water and starts watering plants around the house. And in this episode, it’s an opportunity for him to buy chickens because reasons. Well, there’s one good reason: Fernando is a terrible person who let a third-grader get livestock.
I hate this cheap ploy to give Max free reign to act like a “Family Guy” character by getting into these wacky scenarios.
Froemming: And Max names his chickens Danny, Joey, Jesse and Becky because we need more references to the original series that spawned this dumpster fire of a reboot.
And Matt shows up at the Fuller house with his girlfriend, Crystal (who, again has her (REDACTED) together more than DJ). He and Crystal are exercising, which is a great joke here because we Americans are fat and lazy and find any sort of physical exertion suspect.
So, Max is in his backyard garden and throws a corn cob so Cosmo will leave him alone (or, in my opinion, to kill the dog because Max is psycho). Since DJ and Matt are veterinarians, they take this poor pooch to their office in Chinatown for emergency surgery.
Brown: Look, I don’t condone this whatsoever, but I think Cosmo knew what he was doing by swallowing that potentially fatal corn cob. Gotta find a way to leave this obnoxious family. As Cosmo is on the operating table, he seems OK with his decision. No one blames you, Cosmo. No one blames you.
One line that really angered me in this episode: When Cosmo goes into surgery, Max (again, the culprit of Cosmo’s predicament) says “This is why I hate vegetables.” Dude, you vowed to be a vegetarian thanks to your ambiguous school project. I know you’re, what, eight? Nine? But way to cave in on your beliefs you weak-willed twerp.
Froemming: As this is going on, Steph is at the house with a bunch of strangers’ kids. Remember Stephanie? The boozy, drug addled party girl from season one? Yup, she is in charge of little kids here. And Matt left his girlfriend at the house, which is hammered home at every chance when he wonders aloud he thinks he has forgotten something.
Ramona’s dance teacher shows up and, man, I just didn’t care at all. The guy creeped me the (REDACTED) out.
Because Kimmy has been off her meds for a good two decades now, she and Fernando want to help Ramona out with the teacher, which made no sense at all to me, but I guess they needed something for those two codependent creeps to do.
Brown: In “Fuller House” tradition (yes, this show has traditions, apparently), we get a “Dancing With the Stars” reference with the dance coach, who is played by “DWTS” judge Bruno Tonioli. It’s not enough to justify Kimmy and Fernando acting like jackasses, but I figured there should be some kind of explanation.
Also, this episode loves Ariana Grande and meta humor. Stephanie makes a crack about how Grande survived working on Disney Channel sitcom “Sam & Cat.” No. You didn’t earn the right to make cracks at other sitcoms, “Fuller House.”
Then there was a comment about how it was nice to see things turn out well for one of those child sitcom stars. … It’s kind of funny, but just like Season 1, let’s remember that Jodie Sweetin actually dealt with drug problems after “Full House,” so tread lightly on how you make fun of child actors.
Froemming: Back at the vet, DJ and Matt get that corn cob out of Cosmo (ruining either Max’s dastardly plans or Cosmo’s chance at an escape, you be the judge). They share an awkward hug, then they kiss. And the whole time I was baffled because I thought Crystal seemed like a better choice for Matt. She was fit, ate healthy and seemed genuinely nice. DJ is a helicopter mom raising a nerd, a sociopath and a toddler who learned to walk just so he could escape this madness. DJ also has allowed the Gibblers to stay in her house, which I ask you: Who is more crazy, Kimmy or the person who keeps enabling Kimmy’s poor decisions?
Brown: Before we move on, I have to mention the credit sequence briefly, that shows DJ and Stephanie dancing with the coach (because they were both on “DWTS!” Aren’t we topical?!?!) and Ramona mentions that they have been dancing with the coach for two weeks straight.
*Deep breath* DON’T YOU PEOPLE HAVE JOBS?! DON’T YOU HAVE OTHER CLIENTS, COACH?! AM I THE ONLY ONE ASKING QUESTIONS?! AHHHHHHHHH!
Episode 6: “Fuller Thanksgiving”
(The house feels overstuffed when the entire Tanner family shows up for Thanksgiving, pushing DJ’s organizational skills into overdrive)
Froemming: This is the episode where Danny Tanner is actually having a mid-life crisis (or a 2/3rds life crisis as they jokingly refer it to later). Yes, this is the first episode of this season where the old gang comes back with their families. Here is the rundown:
- Danny Tanner: Comes in dressed like Puff Daddy circa 1997 and speaking in slang. My first thought was “Bob Saget is drinking on set again.”
- Jesse and Becky: Remember when Becky had her mid-life crisis back in season one when she went all baby crazy? I didn’t either so I had to go back to our reviews. This is a continuation of that, and these two are fighting because she wants to adopt another child and Jesse wants to concern himself with his hair and goofy Elvis impersonations.
- Joey and … his family? WHO THE (REDACTED) ALLOWED THIS MONSTER TO NOT ONLY MARRY, BUT ALSO BREED FOUR CHILDREN??? I was so troubled by this concept — only made worse somehow when we find Joey’s wife, Ginger, is a magician — my knuckles turned white from rage as I typed my notes on my phone.
Brown: Danny Tanner wears hip-hop clothes (at least hip-hop clothes circa late ‘90s), talks in slang and seems to be down for anything. Basically, he’s a rip off of Jay Billington Bulworth. We don’t get a Halle Berry cameo to complete the illusion and that makes me infinitely sad. Because we get Kimmy Gibbler.
I used to believe that Damien from “The Omen” was the most evil child in all of visual entertainment. That was until I met the Gladstone kids. They are one part children raised by a Stepford wife and one part children raised by a John Wayne Gacy-type of monster that uses gags and laughs to lure victims into a false sense of security. And really, that’s an apt way to define Joey Gladstone.
Becky, Jesse, I don’t care. Joey’s here and I’m all sorts of upset.
Froemming: Of course, the Gladstone’s show up unannounced because they are terrible people fueled by their homicidal rage and woodchuck puppets. This throws control freak DJ into panic mode, because she wants to have the perfect Thanksgiving dinner, and Joey is screwing up the sleeping arrangements. Nobody wants to share a room with a Gladstone, because this isn’t prison and they don’t feel like sleeping with one eye open.
And we also have DJ say “we have a full house!” Get it? Get it? I hated that and I will not share that Peter Griffin meme on principle here.
Brown: Know what bugged me the most about the beginning of this episode? As all the moochers family members start coming back to the house, Max announces them, complete with a trombone. Whatever script writer saw it fit to give the most annoying character a brass instrument needs to be popped in the mouth with the trombone slide. Part of me was hoping Max would introduce someone as Lord and Lady Douchebag like he was Eddie Murphy.
To make matters worse (and really, with this band of misfits getting all up in each others’ space, few things could be worse), Steve and his lady friend CJ (CJ, a letter up from DJ. Get it? These writers are not as witty as they thought they were) come into the Fuller house (uninvited) and see DJ and Matt kissing.
Steve, buddy, I empathized with you (a little bit) in Season 1. You have a girl now and she’s exactly like DJ, but younger. Remember how grades worked in high school? You should, because you continuously live in the past. Cs are better than Ds.
Froemming: Grow up, Brown.
Also, the look on Steve’s face when he sees DJ and Matt was almost exactly like Patrick Bateman during the business card scene in “American Psycho.” I think Steve went out and beat a hobo to death shortly after this moment (again, we go into dark territory here at the JOE-DOWN when it comes to “Fuller House”).
Brown: Let’s break down our sub-plots quick. First, Jesse and Becky.
This one is pretty straightforward: Becky is still baby crazy from season one and Jesse wants nothing to do with kids. I mean, he did buy his twin boys (remember them from the original show? Neither did I) a taco truck for reasons. They go back and forth on this, eventually deciding to not adopt because Jesse’s “earned a break.” Then Jesse changes his mind at dinner. Good, great, whatever.
Also, at dinner, Jesse takes a jab at Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen for not appearing in this show. We get it, Stamos, you’re mad they didn’t return. Quit leaving the Matrix to remind us of that.
Now, I’ll let you touch on Danny’s dilemma, Froemming.
Froemming: Danny had a near death experience a bookshelf — and an award he won — he was dusting fall on him, and for that reason he had his pathetic life flash before his eyes (I am jealous it took him mere seconds to relive season one of “Fuller House”). Seeing as he has played it safe his whole life, he immediately went out and bought a Ferrari and decided to live his life as an obnoxious hipster.
Where the (REDACTED) did he get the money for the car? He also goes skinny dipping in the Bay at night, and claims he got the clothes he shows up in after his dip at a thrift store. Nope, he took the clothes off that hobo Steve killed. I’m convinced of this.
As we are learning of these problems, the Gibbler and Fuller kids are dealing with the Children of the Damned the Gladstone Four (they call them this in the episode, and it sounds like a court case we will hear about in 20 years). These kids are destroying everything in sight, and for once these Gibbler-Fuller children are as upset as I am watching this stupid show.
Brown: Reflecting upon it now, I’m OK with the Gladstone Four. Why? Because they’re destroying the lives of everyone in this house. I want to watch the world burn.
Now, Kimmy is supposed to tell the Gladstones off. But, Kimmy gets endless praise from Joey, because he’s a monster sociopath who knows how to manipulate such a weak-willed individual, and Kimmy inadvertently invites the Gladstones to stay as long as they’d like.
I saw how this movie goes. Soon, we’ll see the Gladstones sitting at a kitchen table surrounded by mysterious bones. And the eldest Gladstone son will bludgeon strangers to death and wear people’s faces on his own.
“Fuller House” on the JOE-DOWN: Watch as two grown men make comparisons of a family sitcom to “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
Froemming: Well, we get the family down to eat at the end. We get a pretty creepy toast from Steve where he vows to implement Project Mayhem…wait, that’s what I was thinking he said. He still gives a weird speech. Joey also lets everyone know Kimmy has offered him and his family to stay as long as they want. Seeing as they are degenerate drifters probably looking for a place to lay low for a while, I’m guessing this will come back to haunt the Fullers and Gibblers later on.
Brown: Wow, this got dark. But THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, PEOPLE. I blame Kyle. He’s the worst.
Reviews for episodes 7 and 8 will be up tomorrow, Dec. 15.
The JOE-DOWN 