*Sigh* OK, it is once again “Fuller House” week here at the JOE-DOWN! Each day, we will review two episodes of the second season of Netflix revival of “Full House.” This will run until Saturday.
Episode 7: “Girl Talk”
(Kimmy hatches a plan to get the girls’ childhood band, Girl Talk, back together. A vengeful video making fun of Ramona goes viral)
Froemming: So it seems we are continuing down the delusional path of Steph becoming a musician with this episode. Steph has written a song for Jimmy called “The Boy Next Door.” And she wants a full band to perform this. So, obviously Kimmy wants to reunite their old band, Girl Talk, for this. A band that has been defunct for more than 20 years and was only in existence due to childhood whimsy.
One problem I had here was we are shown the band in a flashback to an old episode of “Full House” and they play Ace of Base’s “The Sign.” The most 90s show ever performing the most 90s song ever? How did the universe not collapse upon itself when this happened?
Brown: This is a good time to remind our readers that EVERY Ace of Base hit has the exact same bass line to it. Listen to “The Sign” before “All That She Wants.” It’s freaky.
And aside from taking the band name from a person that mixes samples and was the soundtrack (whether we liked it or not) during our college newspaper days, Girl Talk is about what you’d expect. Stephanie sings, Kimmy thinks she’s the sex appeal (she is not) and DJ thinks her “Rock Band” drumming skills will translate (they shouldn’t but do because TV magic). But, they need a fourth, so Steph gets in touch with an old friend in Gia (which is an actual old friend from “Full House). But, because they met in middle school, they all bicker like middle schoolers.
Froemming: Because none of these adults have jobs (or they just refuse to go to them), and have all the time in the world to keep on playing “The Sign” non-stop like a 90s pop version of the Grateful Dead, my rage just kept building.
But we have a B-plot here as well. See, sleazy Popko left his girlfriend Bethany. And he wants to date Ramona because he is a classic skeev. When Ramona turns him down (perhaps the first time in history a Gibbler made a good choice), a video suddenly pops online of Ramona called “Ramona Gibbler The Dancing Hippo.” Naturally she blames Jackson for this because…who the (REDACTED) knows why this show does anything at this point?
Brown: They plant the seed for it early in the episode by having Ramona break into Jackson’s locker to take back her earbuds. So, there’s tension, and now Jackson gets blamed for what is essentially one of those Jib-Jab online videos you make at Christmas time to get a cheap laugh from family members’ faces being superimposed onto something.
We are kind of an easy species to entertain. Hence, how “Fuller House” gets made.
With that said, Popko once again shows that he is the scum of the earth. I kind of cheered when Ramona burned him in front of his friends.
What confused me is the hippo video had 240 views on it when Ramona sees it, and there’s no thumbs up for it. Every thumb is down on the Youtube page. Yeah, she’s embarrassed, but maybe this video becomes the turning point at her school to not accept bullying when they decide picking on Ramona is just wrong.
She has a hard enough life. Her mother is Kimmy Gibbler. Her father is Fernando.
Froemming: We have yet another side plot with Max’s farm. Seems his chickens destroyed his crops when they saw him ruthlessly try to cut down trusty Cosmo in his prime with a corn cob. Max’s project is now doomed, but Fernando has a plot. He offers Max “Tears of a Unicorn” to put on the crops and they will grow back.
Look, part of growing up is learning from one’s mistakes. This family keeps covering up Max’s blunders, making sure he grows up to be as incompetent in life as they are. Because Fernando just goes to the store and buys veggies to put back into the garden.
Brown: It’s brought up a couple times that Max is the “second-grade valedictorian” but I’m calling BS on that. A valedictorian would figure out from jump street that his uncle replaced the original plants with the organic section (the stickers are still on the carrots and Max just brushes this aside!). ALl of this is just a way for Fernando to keep living there because, and I’ve said this a few times in these reviews: HE’S MOOCHING OFF THIS ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD. KICK. HIM. OUT.
For the sake of getting back to our main plot, I’ll wrap up the Ramona/Popko dilemma. Because of this show’s terrible morals, they decide that the best way to deal with a bully is to bully the bully. So, Jackson makes a video of Popko skateboarding with fart sounds put in so he can avenge his cousin. This episode also had a cramps/period joke, because this show is high-brow humor.
I’ve also said it before but it bears repeating: Jackson and Ramona are venturing into Maeby/George Michael territory from “Arrested Development.”
Froemming: Well, the band is back together and — are still playing “The Sign.” I felt like I was getting the old enhanced interrogation treatment here with bad pop music from the show. Gia is there, and after playing that one song for the umpteenth time, they decide to take a break. And Gia breaks out the old electronic cigarette and begins vaping away. DJ doesn’t want her family to die from second-hand vape, so she yells at Gia. She becomes even more irate when Gia offers a “toke” to Stephanie, because this will undo the fabric of DJ’s reality and turn Steph into a vape-addled junkie, I believe.
Brown: DJ holds a grudge on Gia from their childhood. Gia offered Stephanie cigarettes, had a makeout party and got Steph’s first crop top. I’m embarrassed that researching this will stay on my browser’s history.
And the whole thing is so childish. Hey Gia, DJ doesn’t want you to smoke in the house. That’s a reasonable request. Go outside and vape.
And DJ, calm the (REDACTED) down and let Stephanie make her own decision. You’re all in your 30s. Grow up.
Thankfully, this ends Girl Talk, which was a ADD-riddled group anyhow. They were supposed to help Stephanie with her song but instead they played “The Sign” for days. DJ, Kimmy and Gia, all selfish jerks.
Have I mentioned that I hate all these people? You made Ace of Base even more unlistenable.
Episode 8: “A Tangled Web”
(When Jackson pet-sits for Lola, DJ works overtime to help Max ace a school project. Jimmy makes a music video for Stephanie’s latest song)
Brown: Playing off our previous episode, Stephanie did the proper thing and got some real musicians to play with to finally play her long song to Jimmy: “The Boy Next Door.” That’s all fine and good, but Steph and Jimmy are becoming that annoying PDA couple that really starts playing into every gag-worthy new love trope available in a 25-minute episode.
And because Jimmy is a stoner who would rather play with his phone then go shoot photos for his actual National Geographic job, he suggests making a video for the song to put on Youtube.
Also, they turned Eskimo kissing into the “Gibbler Nibbler.” I had to take deep breaths after typing that to reserve my rage.
Froemming: Is there any evidence Jimmy has that job at the magazine? I mean, just because he has that map and says that’s his job doesn’t make it true. I think Stephanie found love in a pathological liar — probably not for the first time either.
Max is gearing up for the big payoff of his school assignment that, really, went way too long on this show. And we get Taylor back. Even better is Taylor and his dad rip on the Fullers, which made me happy. These delusional nutjobs need to be knocked back into the real world.
Now there is a line here about the McRib. Someone says “winners eat McRibs.” McDonald’s junk food is not for winners, people. It is for people who hate themselves to the point they don’t want to cook actual ribs for themselves, like an adult.
Brown: I’ll argue that the McMuffin is for winners (especially before all-day breakfast for waking up before 10 a.m.). The McRib, and let me go on record for this, is terrible.
OK, so Max and Taylor are in competition for their “One Kid Can Make A Difference” project (and thank goodness that plot point FINALLY ENDS here). Max has his garden, Taylor apparently has a solar-powered ATV that was CLEARLY made by his dad. And because DJ can’t let his kid’s work rest on its laurels, she has to get involved and give it some pizazz.
Main problem I have with this: Max chastises Taylor for getting help from his dad. Dude, your uncle planted a grocery store’s worth of organic fruits and veggies into your garden. Glass house there, Max.
Froemming: We also have Jackson and Ramona watching Lola’s pet tarantula, Spot. You know what, I’m speeding this along. The spider goes missing because these two Einsteins left the cage open.
Brown: The spider ends up on Max’s head at the end. Lola praises Jackson for keeping the spider alive. Useless subplot has been explained.
Froemming: Now Jimmy has made a Youtube video for Stephanie’s song. And people seem to hate it as much as I hate this show. Because it is basically a video version of a photo gallery of two star-crossed lovers, nobody wants to watch it. I mean, on the surface it looks like a stoner bamboozled a cute musician into dating him. Wait, that is exactly what happened. Because this show is nothing but surface.
Kimmy has an idea to fix the video. Because people seem to love animals and babies, they replace Jimmy and Steph with Tommy and Cosmo, making for a video that seems to be about a boy falling in love with his dog (because that’s what the song is about, falling in love). I was deeply disturbed by this.
Brown: Well, Steph and Jimmy made the rookie mistake of reading the comments. You NEVER read the comments on anything.
Now, the redone version with Tommy and Cosmo goes over well with 300,000 views and no internet bile. Umm, writers, are you unaware of the hatred on the internet? A dog and child would have negative comments written about it. I mean, we’re tearing into a wholesome family show and this is pretty mild compared to places like Reddit or 4chan.
Plus, Steph and Jimmy are annoying. Know who tells them that? Kimmy. Let that sink in, folks.
So two problems solved. Now, let’s talk about Max wanting to Make Earth Great Again.
Froemming: That isn’t us making a Trump jab, there is a banner that says “Make Earth Great Again” during Max’s backyard presentation. Because we are apparently stuck with Trump jokes for the next 4-8 years.
Well, Taylor shows off his solar-powered ATV (that his dad obviously made). DJ has Max put on a dazzling presentation that I thought was taken almost exactly from that episode of “It’s Always Sunny” when Frank hosts a beauty pageant for little girls and one boy at the bar.
Well, because the contest is based on what the student did on their own, the award goes to the grotesque Barbie windmill that another little sociopath put together with the dismembered body parts of Barbie dolls.
Brown: It was predictable, but I was so happy to see that Sarah won with her Barbie windmill instead of Max and Taylor. It was like watching Ralph Wiggum win the diorama contest on “The Simpsons” by using his repackaged “Star Wars” figurines. Hopefully she doesn’t bend her wookie later.
So we get our lesson of the show where DJ feels bad about taking over Max’s project. But they still love each other. DJ moves on with her life and Max works on hours of homework (his words). I have had nieces go through second grade, and you know how long their homework lasts? MINUTES, not hours.
Reviews for episodes 9 and 10 will be up tomorrow, Dec. 16.