*Sigh* OK, it is once again “Fuller House” week here at the JOE-DOWN! Each day, we will review two episodes of the second season of Netflix revival of “Full House.” This will run until Saturday.
Episode 9: “Glazed and Confused”
(With out-of-town trips planned for the adults, Uncle Joey delivers doughnuts — and unexpected drama. Stephanie’s nervous about singing on television)
Froemming: This is the episode when Joey Gladstone shows his true, vile colors and serves the family poisoned donuts he picked up at a seedy shop. Because he is a drifter who terrorizes his victims with woodchuck puppets and tainted baked goods. His cold, steely eyes are frightening in this episode. He even partakes in the poisoning himself, just to prove that, much like The Joker, anarchy is the name of the game.
Brown: So, Joey and his family are based in Las Vegas, but he’s able to drop everything to babysit Jackson, Max and Ramona for a day? Las Vegas is eight-and-a-half hours away. I’m convinced his plan is to poison everyone, hide the bodies and have him and his family move in because who wouldn’t want to live in a person fix for six people for free?
Granted, Joey has little screen time in this episode, but every time he’s there, I felt my arm twitch in anger. They give him a bell, for crying out loud. The only way Joey should be featured on screen is either sleeping or in a coma.
Froemming: And because nepotism is still alive and well in this country, Stephanie has a singing gig on her dad’s morning show. Of course, Kimmy and Fernando tag along because Kimmy’s life goal since childhood has been to destroy Danny Tanner’s life by any means necessary.
We also have Jesse and Becky, who are in their late 50s, wanting to adopt a baby. So, the adoption agency sends their person, Mrs. Lopez, to check them out at the show (their association with the Tanner/Fuller/Gibbler gangs should raise enough red flags to stop this process before it ever started).
Brown: Well, Fernando wants to go on the set of his favorite TV show, “Cop Mom,” which sounds infinitely better than this show. Meanwhile, Jesse is dressed like Pee-Wee Herman because if there’s one thing John Stamos loves, it’s to toy with our sense of nostalgia for profit.
In the sake of ending this subplot quickly, Becky, Jesse, Stephanie (who should be getting ready for her show but, you know, there’s shenanigans afoot) Fernando and Mrs. Lopez get locked in a jail cell on the “Cop Mom” set. I wish we could lock Kyle up in a cell for making us watch this tripe.
The one part that actually made me laugh was Jesse FINALLY figuring out that the bars on the side were loose so as Steph climbs over one side, he takes a selfie of the group trying to escape.
While all this goes on, Danny Tanner’s living hellscape comes true, thanks to Kimmy Gibbler.
Froemming: Because logic is thrown out the window and then defecated upon by this show, Becky needs to be replaced for the show because she is MIA. The solution: Pick a random person from the audience via ping pong balls! How this show is still around….
Of course, Kimmy sneaks her way to the co-host gig and shows the world her evil via morning television. She answers her cell phone, mocks the weather and cooks something called “Gibbler Goulash” made of, you guessed it, SPAM! I couldn’t tell if the tears flowing down my face were from knowing this horror was almost over or whether I had more episodes to go. I do know my cat no longer sits by me when I watch this, because even she can’t watch a full grown man cry.
Brown: Kimmy has been shown to be a monster who doesn’t understand things like boundaries, fashion sense, social contracts, norms or modesty. So it’s only fitting she gets the co-host spot by bullying some poor guy in seat 25. But this was the producer’s call, so he’s fired.
Finally, we get Stephanie to take the stage, but she’s dealing with stage fright the entire episode. There’s a continuity problem here (because my soul is crushed, I’m caring about “Fuller House” continuity).
In season one, Steph was DJing a show at Coachella, one of the biggest concerts of the year. She shows no apprehension during this, going so far as to Skype her nephew into the damn show.
I understand that singing is a different kind of animal, but you’re used to being on stage. I don’t believe that you actually have stage fright. Maybe she’s coming down from some Gibbler Nibblers that Jimmy gave her? That’s what the kids call drugs nowadays, right?
Froemming: More like an incurable STD.
Well, they run out of time and she gets bumped to the following week.
Meanwhile, the Fuller home is full of people suffering from diarrhea from Joey’s poisoned donuts. DJ realizes that the children have taken a liking to Matt, who has taken care of these terrible people. You had an out here, Matt. You should have taken it.
Brown: He should have left once Joey pooped in the backyard. Yes, that’s a joke in this episode. And yes, I can hear you, dear reader, sighing in frustration over this.
Turns out, the kids like Matt because when compared to Joey, a cactus is a more nurturing entity than your creepy (allegedly murderous) uncle.
I get it. Matt’s a good guy. I commend him for that. I actually like him. My advice: Run. One day the Fullers will hug the life out of you.
Episode 10: “New Kids in the House”
(Kimmy and Stephanie have an epic surprise planned for DJ’s 39th birthday party, but Max cooks up a painful twist that changes everything)
Froemming: In this episode, Kimmy terrorizes and kidnaps 90s boy band New Kids On The Block and forces them to sing and dance for her own amusement, like a third world dictator would. No, I am not exaggerating.
Now back to continuity, DJ said in an earlier episode she was 39. Now it is her 39th birthday. I think DJ is a dirty liar and is putting off the inevitable by hitting the big 40.
Brown: I’ll start this episode off with a shocker: I kind of liked this episode. I had fun with it.
Froemming: It’s finally happened. This show has broken you.
Brown: Maybe this is Stockholm Syndrome. But for a show that shoves so much nostalgia at you in order to get an emotional response, this is the time it actually worked for me. I’ve seen people get incredibly excited over NKOTB, so there’s actually something to relate to here. It also confirms one of our ideas about this show in Kimmy being a danger to the general public when she commits grand theft auto and kidnapping. Best part: We weren’t subjected to Donnie Wahlberg, save for some FaceTime.
Froemming: DJ has a dream board of things to do before she is 40, like all rational adults apparently do. One of those is to go to a NKOTB concert. Which, I mean, is pretty simple. They are way beyond their heyday and probably could see them for $20 at any casino in America.
Kimmy has scored three front-row tickets for a sold-out NKOTB show (all 20 seats apparently filled). DJ screeches OH MYLANTA three times, just trying like hell to make that a thing.
I will say I am happy to not once heard “Holy Chalupas!” this season thus far.
Brown: Don’t jinx it. With that said, our jerk friend Kyle went so far as to ask someone in the student section at Red Wing High School to bring this to state basketball last time we reviewed the show just to anger me.
Back to our story: Turns out that Kimmy’s tickets are counterfeit. Not like we needed to confirm it, but Kimmy is the worst.
Froemming: She got tickets for New Kids On The CLOCK. Yeah, that joke fell as flat as one would expect. Hence, her plan to kidnap the band and force them to sing “Happy Birthday” to DJ. She convinces them by promising not to go through their laundry again. And I promised myself to punch Kyle the next time I see him.
Max, Jackson and Ramona are decorating the kitchen for the surprise party for DJ. The kids got her a nice jewelry box, but because Max saw some show on Lifetime, he decides to hide the key to it.
Brown: Some advice, Max: Don’t mess with people’s food. Because now you’re a jerk who broke your mother’s crown because you had to be cute with the birthday gift.
Speaking of gifts, Matt gets a pair of tennis racquets for him and DJ to enjoy, which gets a lukewarm reception. Meanwhile, Steve (who as far as we know is still dating CJ and doesn’t go this far for her in what little bits we’ve seen of their relationship) gets DJ a Pillow Person, which almost brings her to tears. I would criticize Steve for one-upping Matt, but Matt and DJ (who both know Steve loves/once loved DJ) kept making out in front of the poor guy. Karma’s a bitch, guy.
Froemming: Well, DJ takes a bite out of her carrot cake cupcake and her tooth gets crushed like the souls of Max’s other victims. Because Max is evil and wants people to suffer and the world to burn. She heads to an emergency dental appointment just as the NKOTB show up as Kimmy’s hostages. She and the family then force them to wait, torturing them with the grating sounds of Max playing the trombone (“Old McDonald”). I thought I saw their ears bleeding, but I could have been hallucinating at this point.
DJ shows up, doped on pain meds, and proceeds to molest Joey from the band.
Brown: I was kind of hoping that we’d later see grainy footage of Kimmy holding NKOTB hostage, screaming at them like Heath Ledger’s Joker from “The Dark Knight.”
So after NKOTB leaves, DJ wakes up in a drugged-up haze and sees how she groped Joey McIntyre and finally gets told about the counterfeit tickets. She seems a little sad but hey, she was gonna skip this birthday anyhow, so thanks for the effort, right?
Then Steve’s the hero because reasons and now they really do have front-row NKOTB tickets! (Insert girlish squeal here)
Froemming: DJ gives Steph and Kimmy a guilt trip about her birthday. THEY BROUGHT THE (REDACTED) BAND TO YOUR HOUSE!!!! Not their fault you chew your food like a wild animal.
Steve shows he is a nice guy by giving Matt credit for the tickets. And I was thinking they would have made a better love story than the one we got from Matt/DJ.
Brown: Quick thing here. So at the beginning of this season, Matt and Steve were best friends, bound by their rejection from DJ. Then in this episode, there’s the underlying tension like it’s season one all over again. They have a falling out or something? Also, where is CJ? Still think Steve came out ahead there.
Froemming: Steve wears CJ’s skin as he prances around to “Goodbye Horses” in his basement.
Brown: Well, that’s haunting. Take us to the NKOTB concert, Froemming.
Froemming: The band invites DJ on stage as they sing “Don’t Go Girl” or whatever it is called. After the song, because boundaries do not exist in the Fuller/Gibbler world, Steph and Kimmy storm the stage and dance — visibly terrifying Joey, Jordan, Jonathan, Danny and the absent Donnie through osmosis.
Brown: Save for Kimmy’s existence in this world, I had fun with all this. This was the right way to use nostalgia without beating the viewer over the head like the Member Berries from “South Park.” This is by no means a good episode. All I want is to be entertained, and this episode pulled that off (probably by accident).
Reviews for episodes 11, 12 and 13 will be up tomorrow, Dec. 17.
The JOE-DOWN 