You people demanded it, and here it is. “Fuller House” week here at the JOE-DOWN. Something that was once an innocent joke has now become the bane of Joe Brown and I’s existence. So we will be reviewing Part One of season three this week.
Froemming: We vowed never again. We took a blood oath cementing that vow. We would never again visit the Fuller household and their creepy friends and family. My doctor warned me my blood pressure was off the charts after season two. Brown’s family held an intervention, worrying about the long-term effects of reviewing such a monstrosity such as “Fuller House.”
We were in the clear. We were going to be happy. Let someone else review that (REDACTED) we told ourselves. We were finally free.
Then a combination of events occurred. I was pressured by some folks, with some not-so-veiled threats about the consequences of ignoring this third season. Then Brown decided to rile me up with “Bridget Jones’s Diary” just a week prior to hearing the third season was about to drop.
So I decided we would do it again, out of spite. And here we are, about to revisit a family more disturbing than Charles Manson’s that hid in the hills of Death Valley in the late 1960s. So Brown, any words before we venture into this abyss of madness?
Brown: Yeah, let’s get to recommendations now.
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND?
Brown: NOPE.
… Wait, we still have to do this? (REDACTED).
This clip from “The Simpsons” perfectly encapsulates my feeling on reviewing “Fuller House” seasons one, two and three.
Not to mention, this was my first note as the opening credits rolled on for episode one: I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to do this!
You see what you’ve done, people?! You turned me into Jack Torrence. Froemming, you take the lead here while I sharpen my axe.
EPISODE 1: Best Summer Ever
Steve and CJ announce plans for a destination wedding, and DJ sends Jackson to summer schools. Stephanie and Jimmy suspect Fernando is up to something.
Froemming: I was already in tears as Carly Rae Jepsen’s take on the “Full House” theme song kicked in, resulting in me taking a long, hard look at my life choices.
We are brought back into this creepy, creepy world with a song-and-dance number by Max, a character that somehow becomes worse and worse as this show continues, making me believe that maybe it wasn’t the Cubs winning the World Series last year that threw us into the darkest timeline, but Brown and I’s foolish decision to review this terrible show.
Also, Steve dressed like a dog will forever haunt my dreams. This show is from the mind of a sociopath, I swear it.
Alas, it was all a dream of Max’s. A troubling dream that allowed us to enter the psyche of this little monster.
Brown: For some reason, Batman and Superman were in this dream song-and-dance number. “Fuller House” found a way to make “Batman v. Superman” worse. That takes a certain level of commitment to do that.
And we’re reintroduced to the characters that Froemming and I constantly tell our respective therapists about. There’s DJ in the kitchen, Stephanie eating pancakes, Kimmy is sacrificing animals (I assume).
And like always, people are just barging into the Fuller house. Steve and his fiance CJ (AKA young DJ) announce they’re getting married in Japan, which makes Kimmy upset because they won’t let her ruin it didn’t hire her as wedding planner. Then Matt, DJ’s bae, barges in to make out with DJ before they see each other at work in about 10 minutes. And, Jimmy barges in because he’s still technically homeless (his RV is now parked at a Costco).
Look, I just watched and reviewed “You Got Served.” The AC is out at my house and it’s 90 degrees out. I got maybe five hours of sleep because my dog has the bladder of a thimble. And THIS, THIS is what is making me the most upset.
Froemming: They are getting married in Japan because CJ’s dad lives there. I think we saw him in season two, but am not 100 percent because I blacked out that time in my life.
Now, we see DJ is still murdering her children with calories, because she is packing Jackson a lunch for summer school that includes a giant steak sandwich and a WHOLE (REDACTED) PIE! Also, she has somehow neglected to tell him he is going to summer school. I went to summer school, you know prior to the day of that you are going. Either she is a bad mom, or Jackson is plain stupid. I think both answers are correct.
Brown: Or like I posited in season one: Just like her husband, DJ is trying to kill her child via diabetes.
Jackson is upset about this turn of events. A. How was it never brought up before the first day of summer school? If this were set in the midwest, it would make sense because if there’s anything us midwesterners hate, it’s confrontation. But nope, San Francisco. B. Why is Jackson surprised by this? He got a D+ in history. That’s kind of a given you’re going to have to boost that, man. If you got a C-, then you have an argument, Jackson. But no, that’s on you for not passing a public school class, which only asks you to put a little effort into it.
But hey, at least you got a $50 iTunes gift card out of your mother’s guilt.
Froemming: Well, Jackson does meet a goth girl at summer school who became my avatar, because Rocki points out how much of an idiot Jackson is, allowing me to laugh at his expense.
Also, their summer school teacher weeps in his car before coming to class, much like myself before I fire up Netflix knowing I am going to watch this (REDACTED) show.
Brown: I expect that kind of behavior out of a high-school teacher. But a middle-school teacher? Those kids must damage the staff at that school.
And you’re right, Rocki is the JOE-DOWN’s spirit animal. During class, Jackson falls asleep and she turns the dweeb, thanks to some marker to the face, into Peter Criss a cat. Then, when she’s supposed to apologize, she comments about the Fullers always leaving the door open, saying she’s surprised they haven’t been murdered yet.
THANK YOU, you multi-colored-haired angel.
Froemming: I believe Joey has some sort of signal on the house telling other serial killers not to touch that house.
So, we have Jimmy living in his RV and somehow dating Steph. Which just boggles the mind, but I have seen enough Jerry Springer to know such a phenomenon exists. While enjoying some Costco meatballs Jimmy has stolen, they see Fernando hugging a beautiful woman. I don’t blame him, Kimmy is wearing a creepy owl outfit this episode that made me slightly vomit in my own mouth. Go, Fernando! Get away from these people! You’ll be free!
Now, Steph and Jimmy have to break the news to their unhinged friend/sister, which will probably lead to a string of dead hobos found around the Bay area.
Brown: Another subplot (can’t have enough of those in a “Fuller House” episode!) is that DJ wants more intimate time with Matt, going so far as to trying to make out at work, which was agreed upon as a no-no. Someone walks in and DJ (who somehow makes the “Lady in Red” trope less sexy) makes bow-chika-wow-wow noises.
Are we in middle school? We’re in middle school, aren’t we, Froemming.
We are. You know why? Because when Fernando hugs the mystery woman, Stephanie refers to her breasts as grandes, or ventis. Because she’s holding coffees.
Look show, quit ruining coffee. I need that to function. I need Irish cream in it to tolerate “Fuller House.”
Froemming: DJ says she is OK with some “hanky” but not “panky” at the office, which I imagine is her being OK with Tommy Wiseau-style belly button humping, but no more than that.
To calm Jackson’s rage, DJ buys him a pizza and an ice cream cake, just for him. How this kid isn’t 500 pounds goes against all reason. He tells his mother that he is almost in high school and can make his own decisions.
This kid will grow up to live in his mother’s basement and be in a crappy Buckcherry cover band. But it is summer school for Jackson, because he is doomed to be an idiot.
And guess what? Rocki is the daughter of DJ’s nemesis Gia! Yeah, I blacked out every prior season so I don’t know who the (REDACTED) this is.
Brown: Yeah, you get the canned gasps when Gia walks in. Meanwhile I’m like, “Oh look, it’s… this person.” I try my hardest to have this show enter and exit my head like a sieve. It has mixed results.
Anyways, Stephanie and Jimmy share the news of Fernando’s possible infidelity. And, on cue, Fernando and mystery woman walk into the Fuller house, only to have drinks thrown into their faces. Including lemonade at the mystery woman because “Fuller House” had to make a Beyonce joke.
I didn’t laugh.
Froemming: They sullied the best album of 2016. (REDACTED) you, “Fuller House.”
Brown: Turns out, the mystery woman is a realtor, and Fernando has bought a house. Not just any house, the Gibbler house. Fernando has an out to abandon this legion of lunatics. Only, Kimmy is mad because she wasn’t consulted AND she’d rather live in the Fuller house. Makes sense to me: I don’t know if DJ charges her rent.
Froemming: This is the most disturbing case of co-dependency I have ever seen. “Live in my own house? That’s crazy!”
No Kimmy, you’re (REDACTED) crazy.
Also, Steph throws lemonade in her own face. Ugh.
But hey, Fernando is finally free, right? Nope. Also, I know he is a racecar driver, but does he ever work? Nope. I hate this show so much.
EPISODE 2: Break A Leg
DJ offers herself as Stephanie’s life coach while Kimmy offers herself as Steve and CJ’s wedding planner…in Japan.
Brown: Well, at least episode two doesn’t start with irritating Max singing a song about summer for a season that starts on the fall equinox. Instead, it’s DJ standing outside, grabbing a smoothie after doing pilates. It should be noted that the sugar in the fruit smoothie probably offset the work DJ did during said workout. Go for a protein shake next time.
DJ is waiting for an Uber, which pulls up in a car almost like DJ’s with a blonde that just-so-happens to look like Stephanie. Turns out, it is Stephanie, who took DJ’s car to make some money on the side.
Stephanie is supposed to look like the loser here, but that’s on DJ. Do you not recognize the license plate number when a car that looks just like yours pulls up. Also, it’s an Uber, shouldn’t there have been an Uber sticker on your back window before this? How unobservant is DJ?
Froemming: I think the Fullers are on the shallow end of the gene pool.
Also, DJ just lets her sister take her vehicle whenever she wants? Are there no (REDACTED) boundaries in this family? Wait, I am season three of this (REDACTED) show, of course there aren’t.
Well, Max is going to throw a pool party for himself and his lady friend and his toddler brother, whom I hope will one day escape this house of madness. This is set up as Ramona is dicking around on her phone, because that’s what the kids do these days. Also, we start seeing Ramona wants a little more distance between herself and her psychotic mother. But alas, she ditches her plans with Popko, whatever the (REDACTED) that is, because her mother bribes her to hang out.
This whole group of people are cautionary tales for “intro to psychology” students across this country.
Brown: But Ramona doesn’t get separation from her mother. She helps her! Because Kimmy feels as though she needs to make an elaborate sales pitch to Steve to be the wedding planner. This includes drums, flower petals and a hibachi performance. What Kimmy refuses to understand is she knows nothing about Japan. She doesn’t live there. The idea of shelling out money for an American wedding planner to go abroad and get this thing sorted out while flying out and staying in the country makes my head spin. Simply put, Kimmy: YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED.
Also, Kimmy should be dead because she took a hell of a tumble down the stairs. Hell, every character that sees this questions how she’s still standing. I hope Kimmy Gibbler is not a Highlander.
Froemming: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!
Aside from the Gibblers ruining everything in their path like a living hurricane, we also have Steph having a realization that she has become a caricature of a millennial: Jobless, no money and still living at home. Because DJ is an insane person, she offers to be her kid sister’s life coach. She has even been putting together a dossier on how to help Steph since she was a child, adding evidence to my theory that all of these people are unhinged maniacs who should be in an institution.
So they go on a run. And because they are competitive, Stephanie busts her ankle in a gopher hole.
Brown: This raised a concern for me. Stephanie breaks her ankle. DJ is a doctor. She probably sees horses. Good call on Stephanie’s part to not go into DJ’s vet clinic.
And, because this show has no tact for the actress that plays Stephanie, as a way to motivate Stephanie, they start singing “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba. You know, a song about someone getting blackout drunk.
Another subplot in episode two is Fernando moving out of the Fuller house to live… next door, where his wife refuses to move 50 feet away to. He’s trying to garner sympathy because the characters in the show like Fernando as much as we do. And I was baffled when DJ tells Fernando to leave his house key on the counter. NO ONE LOCKS A DOOR IN THIS SHOW!
At least we get a scene where a dog is wearing sunglasses. That cheered me up.
Froemming: I was cheered up too, until I was grossed out by these kids sitting in a urine-filled swimming pool. Just. Gross.
But hey, Taylor is back to mock Max, which warms my blackened heart to no end. He even points out he has an above ground pool, not some pee-filled rubber bowl sitting in a backyard. But we see trouble in paradise when we discover Max’s girlfriend dated Taylor for three recesses in the past. She even made him a five-finger turkey cutout. Max, you are out of your element here. Taylor is clearly much better than you are.
Brown: All the elements of the respective parties are lame. A urine-filled kiddie pool, lame.
An above-ground pool… I’ll let Mitch Hedberg explain that.
Max’s final solution is to rent a blow-up water slide, which has a small pool at the end of it. You know how many times that would be fun before you’re bored and tired of landing in grass-coated, dirty feet water? Once.
Go find a real pool, kids. Or, go to a beach. It’s summertime and you live in California.
So in the interest of focusing on other things in my life, let’s sum these things up quick. Max and Taylor just put aside their beef for a short bit. Somehow a concussed Kimmy convinces Steve to throw his money away to hire Gibbler Style Party Planning (or whatever).
Then, we get our heart-felt moment where Stephanie admits she’ll never be perfect like DJ. But, DJ isn’t perfect either, apparently. She hides Double Stuf Oreos in the vegetable bin. She keeps trashy romantic novels hidden. And she takes five minutes every Friday to cry.
Next to Jimmy Carter, DJ Fuller is history’s greatest monster.
And, Fernando finally tries to move in. And Jimmy is going to move in with him to solve his homeless crisis. It’d be a real shame if that house had a carbon monoxide leak.
Things have gotten dark. Think this is a good time to end day one of “Fuller House” week.
Froemming: I am going to have my five-minute cry now.
Reviews for episodes 3 and 4 will be up tomorrow, Sept. 26.
The JOE-DOWN 