You people demanded it, and here it is. “Fuller House” week here at the JOE-DOWN. Something that was once an innocent joke has now become the bane of Joe Brown and I’s existence. So we will be reviewing Part One of season three this week.
EPISODE 7: Say Yes to the Dress
DJ gets caught up in the moment while trying a wedding dress on while Steve gets fitted for his tux. Stephanie feels left out when she’s not invited to a movie premier that features one of her songs.
Froemming: This episode begins with Jimmy in a dress and a karaoke party — and I am already weeping at my keyboard. We also get in this episode the fall of our JOE-DOWN Spirit Animal because Rocki’s mom leaves her with this Death Cult From Hell and she assimilates.
Brown: That’s the power of Fernando performing Ricky Martin. Or, Steve and DJ creeping out their significant others as the two perform “Summer Nights” from the “Grease” soundtrack. Leslie Knope and Jeremy Jamm did it better in “Parks and Rec.”
Did you think that CJ and Matt were going to leave together, escape this not-quite-purgatory-not-quite-hell house and let Steve and DJ have their psychotic ‘80s wedding before living unfulfilling lives together?
Because I certainly hoped for that.
Froemming: There is no escape here. Abandon all hope, ye who enter the Fuller household.
After being visually and audibly assaulted by the “Grease” soundtrack being sung at me by actors I never thought I’d see on TV again, we have Rocki who is pointing out their She-Wolf Pack isn’t a thing people do and how ridiculous this family is. It was refreshing. And because Jackson is rightly embarrassed by his demented family’s actions in front of a girl, he refuses to kiss Max a goodnight.
Rocki is seeing this family just like we do: Creepy as (REDACTED).
Brown: If I have a son, I want him to marry Rocki. Because she punches Jackson twice in this episode.
Let’s also remember that Rocki is stuck in this house because A. She’s study buddies with Jackson for some reason, and B. Her mom abandoned her for a Tinder hookup.
On the scale of parenting in this show, that revelation is rather tame.
Outside the Fuller house, we see Steve and DJ run into each other at a wedding shop. Steve needs DJ’s help on ties. … Sure. And all the while, the woman working the store, Berta, keeps hounding DJ to try on a wedding dress.
Berta later hides in a dressing room. She’s high, right?
Froemming: I imagine she is getting stoned with Mr. Clean, whom we last saw popping out of Ramona’s closet in season one. An event that nearly gave me a stroke if I remember correctly.
And she badgers DJ to try on a wedding dress that is already sold. To Steve’s fiance! And what happens? CJ comes in to try on her dress, a dress that DJ is currently sporting while pretending to be a mannequin.
(REDACTED) you, Steve and DJ. CJ and Matt are somewhat normal and deserve better than either of you idiots. And I don’t even like those characters, that’s how much I hate DJ and Steve.
Brown: They eventually make up because this is “Fuller House” and hugs destroy all grudges.
MORE SUBPLOTS! Stephanie’s hit song, “The Boy Next Door,” is featured in a slasher flick. But, she never got an invite to the movie premiere. So what’s a simpleton like Jimmy to do to make his girlfriend happy? He makes a red carpet premiere at the house where he somehow gets a copy of a movie that’s in theaters.
Jimmy seems like the type of guy who’d hide a camcorder in a movie theater for piracy.
Froemming: They explain it is on Netflix, and we get a bunch of pandering to the company that dropped this abomination on Joe Brown and I. I am tempted to cancel my account just so we don’t have to revisit this in December for part two.
Gia shows up to find her daughter is now among the Freaks, and Rocki rightfully explains that she was left with a cult.
We never see Rocki again after she walks out of the house. I hope she is free now.
Brown: I feel like she was driven mad and stalked a child through a snowy maze like the ending of “The Shining.”
And, I understand why.
EPISODE 8: Maybe Baby
Aunt Becky shows up to spend the day with Stephanie and Joey shows up with his children, who are little terrors all over the house. DJ quizzes Jackson on History then talks to his teacher when he bombs the test.
Brown: I don’t want to talk about this one. Becky is back and doesn’t appear to be back on her meds as she meddles in Stephanie’s personal affairs.
And, Joey and his demon spawn make a return. And yes, they are demon spawn because Joey Gladstone IS THE DEVIL.
Froemming, you have to take over. My hands are trembling in anger.
Froemming: There is an idea of a Joseph Froemming, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there….
That was how I felt watching this, quoting “American Psycho” in my head while stuffing KFC in my face and weeping seeing the Gladstone Four pop into the Fuller home and wreaking havoc. I have to return some videotapes…
The only joy I got from it was when Joey admits he hates his children. I hate your children, too. Also, these hell spawns showed their true Ted Bundy-esque genes when they wrapped Max in toilet paper and duct taped him to a wall and wrapped Ramona in a rug like Norman Bates in “Psycho.”
Like father, like whatever the hell these things are.
Brown: Humor me, if you will. According to the story, why are the Gladstones at the Fuller house?
Froemming: They are going to Disneyland.
Brown: And to our recollection from past seasons, they live in Vegas now, right?
Froemming: That’s where Joey buries the bodies or leaves them in gas station bathrooms with “Mr. Woodchuck” carved into their skulls.
Brown: So, WHY THE (REDACTED) ARE THEY AT THE FULLER HOUSE TO BEGIN WITH?!
There is no reasonable geographical reason you would go from Las Vegas to San Francisco to Anaheim to go to Disneyland!
According to Google Maps, Vegas to Disneyland is about four hours. Meanwhile, the time it takes to drive from Vegas to San Francisco to Disneyland is 15 HOURS, 37 MINUTES!
HOW MANY DRIFTERS DID THIS FAMILY KILL ON THIS ROAD TRIP?! This is some “The Hills Have Eyes” (REDACTED).
I mean, the kids already know how to subdue someone, considering they duct-tape Max to his door while they read his diary in front of his face.
The Gladstones are sub-human.
Froemming: They got bloodlust and such a long trip on the backroads from Nevada to California could quench such a thirst.
Aunt Becky, like you mentioned is clearly off her meds still, wants to have a day with Stephanie. You know, pedicures, smoothies, pelvic ultrasounds, the normal Girls Day Out.
Yes, Becky is intruding on Stephanie’s very private, non-of-Becky’s-business health issues. Becky is so Baby Crazy that she wants everyone to be pregnant now. Between her and Joey, I am not sure who is the most psychotic here.
Brown: Joey. You always go with Joey.
Going with the only real emotional story that carries from season to season (which, we should give this show credit for that kind of continuity), Becky looked into a fertility clinic to give Stephanie a second opinion on whether she’d want to have a baby.
And for the sake of moving on, it turns out that Stephanie has a few good eggs and, with help of a surrogate, could have a baby. She gets a pep talk about giving it a try instead of always wondering what if, and Stephanie eventually agrees that she should try giving this motherhood thing a chance.
It’s actually a touching bit of storytelling. That’s ruined because Joey is in this episode with his Manson family minions.
Now, let’s get into Jackson’s final days of summer school.
Froemming: I’d rather not, but it is linked to the ending here, so here we go.
Jackson dabbled in studying for his history exam, and DJ quizzes him on it before he heads to school. Is Jackson finally learning? I don’t think so. He is a dolt.
But he has memorized the test questions to pass, because this is Betsy DeVos’ education curriculum I guess, where actual learning comes a distant fourth. And he thinks he passed it! And DJ has already set up a party to celebrate her kid just barely getting through middle school!
You know how I know Jackson will never graduate? He wants to celebrate his achievement like David Puddy and go to Arby’s. I barely survived eating the Meat Mountain there. It’s not a place to which to celebrate, it is an endurance test with food.
Brown: Why are they ragging on Arby’s? It’s… passable fast food. It’s not like Jack in the Box, which almost killed my uncle in 1993 due to food poisoning.
Froemming: Turns out Jackson failed his test. Not because he didn’t know the answers, but because he was too dumb to know where to place his answers on the test. You know what, teacher? Fail him anyway. Kid’s gotta learn, right?
Nope, Jackson passes.
Quickly: Steph sees the party banner, thinks Becky spilled the beans and they are celebrating her having a child, instead of it being Jackson’s passing a test party. It is one giant wacky misunderstanding.
I hate this (REDACTED) show.
EPISODE 9: Wedding or Not Here We Come
The gang prepares for the trip to Japan, including DJ, who’s all thumbs over her relationship status with Steve. Jimmy is left out of Stephanie’s decision to have a baby while Fernando teaches Max the finer points of conning a free seat in first class.
Froemming: The gang is heading to Japan for Steve and CJ’s wedding, and if there was any justice on this planet, this airplane would crash in the middle of the ocean thus saving Brown and I from having to review part two of this season in December.
Brown: Would you rather their plane spin out over the Sea of Japan like “M*A*S*H*” or have the plane explode during takeoff like in “Final Destination?”
Froemming: Both those options sound like they may have a chance at surviving, so I am against both.
It is mere hours from taking off, and DJ is scatter-brained to the point she puts her passport in the toaster. I hate you, DJ Fuller.
Brown: And also, we have Kimmy STILL trying to push Steve onto DJ because she thinks Steve is her
density destiny. Nevermind that the guy is GETTING MARRIED TO ANOTHER WOMAN. Let it go, Kimmy. Steve did.
Speaking of doomed love, Ramona dumps Popko because he wants to see other girls while she’s gone for five days.
For once, I am celebrating one of these characters for making a sensible choice.
Froemming: She is a Gibbler, she will take him back in part two after he sends her a flower and half-empty box of chocolates. It is her destiny.
Fernando is dressed to the nines because, despite being a famous and apparently wealthy racecar driver, he scams airlines into giving him a free upgrade to first class with nothing but lies.
Everyone in the show is a scumbag.
Brown: You know what? I’ll take Fernando’s side on this one. That legroom is worth it. This summer, I flew from Orlando to Minneapolis in a bigger seat on Spirit (I don’t think they do first class as we typically think of it). And it was glorious. I’m a big dude and I was swimming in that chair.
Froemming: I am glad to see you agree with Fernando and Max on something I guess.
Brown: I want to be able to recline back in my chair guilt-free because people are too uppity about people who lean back on airplane chairs. To reference Jon Lovett on “Pod Save America,” people who complain about people reclining in a chair they paid for is why Trump won.
Froemming: People who recline on an airplane chair are the same people who voted for Trump.
Anyway, there is trouble in paradise because Stephanie is looking over potential donors to father her child. Donors who, say, don’t live in an RV down by the river or with a creepy man-child like Fernando…Basically anyone who isn’t Jimmy Gibbler.
Brown: Can’t believe I’m saying this but again, I agree with a character in this show. Kimmy says that Gibbler DNA is top notch. I have never disagreed with anything more in my life. Gibbler DNA means you think fart chairs are funny and you mooch off everyone, from your neighbors to the free sample people at Costco.
To be fair to Jimmy, Stephanie is hiding wine in travel bottles of shampoo, which is textbook alcoholism on par with The Gang in “Always Sunny” putting wine in soda cans.
Froemming: If there is one person on this show, on paper, that is not ready to have a child, it is Stephanie. Say what you will about DJ and Kimmy, they at least have jobs and are not raging alcoholics. Stephanie on the other hand…..
Brown: They are also alcoholics! They are drinking Stephanie’s shampoo wine on the plane! And if they’re not alcoholics, they’re inhibitors. They are culpable in Stephanie’s downfall.
Froemming: I think it is more of a “When in Rome…” situation with their alcoholic friend and sister. Like when I have a beer at 10 a.m. during a tailgate party outside before a game.
Brown: Well, I know how much of a sportball fan you are.
Froemming: It is the pre-game atmosphere I enjoy. Sportball is for children and mental patients.
Anyway, Kimmy is testing Matt because REMEMBER TEAM STEVE/TEAM MATT? I sure as (REDACTED) didn’t until Kimmy brought out her manual to life’s decisions: BuzzFeed Quizzes.
Just when I thought Kimmy couldn’t get any worse….
Brown: Well, Kimmy wore a sushi hat at one point of this episode. I love sushi, and she found a way for me to be disgusted by it.
And, Kimmy is the same woman who found out about her daughter’s breakup via Snapchat. Kimmy Gibbler deserves all the scorn we give her in this series.
Speaking of Gibblers, Jimmy finds out that Stephanie is looking for a father that’s not him for the baby. Her reasoning is sensible: Too much, too soon in their relationship.
THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR JIMMY! He has to spend money on a one-way ticket to Japan that he won’t use just so he can board the plane and plead his case for being the daddy. He solves a Rubix Cube that was more or less done. He plays jazz flute like Ron Burgundy. And, he became a notary. And because of the power of the stamp, Stephanie says that if he’s down to be a dad, they should do it.
Meanwhile, I was hoping they were flying United so Jimmy would be dragged and beaten off the plane.
Froemming: I’ve known a lot of people like Jimmy in my life. There is no way in hell he isn’t a degenerate baby daddy already, walking out on children he sired all over the Bay Area for at least a decade at this point.
Tommy is left behind with a creepy old man known only as Grandpa Nick. I guess I should know him because the audience went wild when he walked through the door, but I have never seen this person before in my life.
Brown: Right?! Tommy got left with an elderly man who uses him to pick up nursing home women.
Froemming: Like, was he the dad from “Frasier” or something? I have no idea.
Well, the gang is on the plane. Max pretends he is dying to get his first-class seat, further proving he is a monster not to be trusted. This means Fernando has to sit with the wailing babies and the restrooms, a hell that sounds slightly better than ours of watching this dreck.
Brown: And this dreck sets up a second-half storyline as Matt reveals to Stephanie that he plans to propose in Japan. Meanwhile, with Fernando being his annoying self, Steve and Kimmy switch seats, putting Steve next to a pre-occupied DJ who won’t take her sleep mask off.
And the big reveal comes to Steve: DJ wanted to be with him.
We got a cliffhanger.
(REDACTED) you, “Fuller House.”
Froemming: Yup. What will happen? How did all these people afford the $1,000+ airplane tickets to Japan? Will Steve and DJ get together (Answer: Yes, and I haven’t even seen the second half)? Will the gang’s plane crash into an island and we get a “Lord of the Flies” scenario? I hope so.
Froemming: Brown, let’s hop on our airplane and get to recommendations.
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND?
Froemming: I have no idea why we bother with this part. The answer is always the same: NO.
Brown: *Walks out of the room sobbing and throwing things*
WHY ARE WE DOING THIS IN DECEMBER?!