You. Yes, you reading this intro. You ruined the holidays for the Joes.
What started as an innocent joke from Republican Eagle sports writer Kyle Stevens has become a signature series for the Joes, as well as an unbridled hell of terrible jokes and woodchuck puppets.
In what will be the final installment of our “Fuller House” reviews, we will be wrapping up Part Two of season three this week.
Brown: Why couldn’t the California wildfires burn down the Fuller house?
Nature could have helped us immensely. Instead, the Fullers are back to destroy the holidays, and as we find out in the first batch of episodes, men’s’ hearts.
And, they’re destroying us.
We do this for the entertainment of others. Why are we this stupid, Froemming? Even reading the intro above makes me blind with hatred.
Froemming: I hate my life and what it has been reduced to.
EPISODE 10: My Best Friend’s Japanese Wedding
In Japan, Steve and CJ’s wedding dishes up one disaster after another — from a maid of honor who’s MIA to a talking toilet with an alarming appetite
Brown: Not mere seconds into this intro, which was done in Japanese and is hopefully considered culturally insensitive, I wanted to just shut this off.
And in a peek into how we do things here, midway through this episode, I wanted to quit watching this show out of pure rage.
And, in an even deeper peek into our JOE-DOWN process, after watching this and the next episode, I stayed up until 4 a.m. watching Netflix’s “The Punisher,” hoping the brute violence would quell the anger I felt about restarting “Fuller House.”
It did no such thing.
Froemming: I took that cue from you and also watched Frank Castle brutally cut people down in cold blood. And I realized his mental illness is nowhere near the dark depths of Joey Gladstone’s.
So the Fullers and Gibblers are in Japan, where they crap all over Japanese culture, but they are WASPs, so they get away with it. What was worse, dropping atomic weapons on this country, or dropping the Fullers on this country? I think it is 50/50.
CJ, the only sane person in this madhouse, is on her way to marrying Steve, a man I am sure has toenail clippings of DJ somewhere in his basement.
And I truly felt sorry for this woman and her family. Because not only is Steve and DJ horrible people, they ruin this experience for her when they could have just called the (REDACTED) thing off earlier.
Brown: If not for her, but for Rose, CJ’s daughter who is still smitten with Max. The same Max who is dressed like Pee-Wee Herman early in this episode. Alas, after this episode, she is still into Max, who is either like Ted Cruz or the Zodiac Killer (Spoiler: It’s the same person).
What “Fuller House” does do correctly is find characters that fit the apathy of Froemming and I. In this case, it’s CJ’s dad, The Dragon. He thinks that Steve is as much of a hopeless loser as everyone outside the Fuller house sees him
Speaking of Steve, he’s got a dilemma at the end of the first half to consider: DJ admitted in her sleep (thinking she was talking to Kimmy) that she thinks Steve is her soulmate.
So, we’re back to a love triangle that has encapsulated the first two seasons. We have literally run in circles. This is where I wanted to rage quit.
Froemming: And Matt is now proposing to DJ. I really wish Matt would step out of this bubble of insanity and, with some fresh perspective, realize just how awful these people truly are.
This episode should have been titled: “The One Where The Fullers Ruin Everything And Show Their True Colors.”
But here we are in Japan, and Max and Rose are in dispute of whether they are going to Hello Kitty Land or Samuraii Land and at this point I wanted to drink myself into a coma with bleach.
Brown: Truth be told, I’d be all about going to Hello Kitty Land. The Japanese are so delightfully weird.
So DJ finds a way to thrust herself into the wedding (though to be fair, not by her choosing). The Maid of Honor is not able to get to Japan and DJ is put into the spot because apparently CJ has NO ONE else to fill in. Like, isn’t there a sister that can do that role?
Also, you wanna know how you know your wedding is gonna end in disaster? When Kimmy Gibbler is running the thing. She can’t find kabuki dancers IN JAPAN. She IMPORTS sushi.
She says to Steve that he’s getting married “Gibbler style.” I assume that meant the disappointment will happen sooner rather than later.
I had no clue how right I was.
Froemming: Oh yeah, this was doomed from the start.
But a side plot here involves Jackson and Ramona (thankfully not dancing in this episode) meeting a member of Japanese Boy Band sensation….Sexy Zone?
Goddamnit, “Fuller House.”
See, Ramona is now on the rebound after dumping something called a “Popko” last half season, so now she is in love with this singer from….Sexy Zone.
I feel dirty just writing any of this.
Brown: This is so inconsequential that I vote we move on.
Froemming: Back to the bread and butter: It is wedding time, Steve being the jerk he is, continues with the ceremony knowing full well he loves DJ. And DJ being the homewrecker she is, continues on flashing eyes at Steve.
I wished the Dragon here would have cut all of these people down like Frank Castle would have. Great, now I have a crossover fantasy now.
Brown: I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have that fantasy, either.
Before we get to the vows, I need to talk about something.
DJ is a garbage human being. You know why? Because she’s wearing a WHITE DRESS to another woman’s wedding! Not just anyone’s wedding, either. The wedding of her high school boyfriend/admitted soulmate. And this was before she was going to be the Maid of Honor. She planned to show up to this wedding as a mere patron in a WHITE (REDACTED) DRESS.
She plays nice by saying she won’t talk about her engagement to Matt as to not steal the thunder from the wedding. And yet, her dress will do that.
(REDACTED) all these people.
Froemming: So, this show pulls something even more egregious than the CGI gophers from “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” putting the Fuller clan as worse concepts than what George Lucas could ever dream of.
I am talking, of course, about the CGI Koi fish that DJ gives THE (REDACTED) HEIMLICH MANEUVER TO so she can get Steve’s ring to CJ back.
I am so angry even thinking about this right now.
Brown: Granted, this entire show has been a hot circle of garbage like a Totino’s Pizza. But, this was truly the Jumping the Shark moment.
From here, it’s elementary: Steve won’t say “I do,” and the wedding is off. Matt says they’re engaged. DJ says she still has feelings for Steve. They split. That’ll make for an awkward 16-hour flight back to San Francisco. She-Wolf tattoos.
Look, I’d give a more detailed breakdown of all this, but honestly, my notes at this point are words I can’t put in print and hope to keep a job.
Froemming: Let’s move on from this.
EPISODE 11: Troller Coaster
A letter prompts Ramona to reconsider her future, and Max tempts fate on the “Troller Coaster.” Steve and DJ have an important talk.
Froemming: Everyone is jetlagged from their pointless trip to Japan, where they also ruined a woman’s life by destroying her wedding. But hey, we learn that Fernando is allergic to jazz music!
Someone please, if you are reading this, put an end to this. I BEG YOU!
Brown: I ask again like I did in Part One: WHY THE (REDACTED) IS KIMMY NOT LIVING WITH FERNANDO?! They try booting him out of the house all the time when he barges in like Kramer. And yet Kimmy lives there. Why can she not be with her husband? They’d be 50 feet away from each other at all times!
Wait, I’m trying to insert common sense into “Fuller (REDACTED) House.” Shame on me.
Froemming: This show also does something cruel: It keeps pushing the idea that Ramona is a great dancer, when in fact she dances just like Elaine from “Seinfeld.” This episode, Ramona gets into the San Francisco School of the Performing Arts.
As I calm down, we also have a Mother/Son Super Fun Day where DJ brings Jackson and Max to a wicked looking rollercoaster. And I actually got a legit laugh from the employee who hates the Fullers for no good reason. He became my avatar.
Brown: Again, give “Fuller House” credit for always having a character that doesn’t buy into the BS around them.
So, about Ramona’s dancing… she gets a visitor from the school who is… slightly off. I was getting serious “Suspiria” flashbacks and was hoping that someone in this family would suffer a grizzly murder.
Wow, “Fuller House” is really affecting our mental health.
There’s also a part where Fernando mimics “Flashdance.” I would have preferred watching “Flashdance” again.
Have I mentioned that I really, really hate this (REDACTED) show?
Froemming: My divorce was more pleasant than watching this show.
So, Steve cuts in line at the rollercoaster, which ticks off the hero of the episode, my avatar in the employee who calls security on Steve. It’s about time someone alerted the authorities to this Steve guy, with his masks made of human skin and whatnot.
Steve is on the ride with DJ, professing his love while also revealing he stalks her to an amusement park, which I find troubling.
And it turns out Jackson is scared to go on the ride with Max. They both do it anyway, but I wanted that there so people knew Jackson was a coward.
Brown: Did you see the CGI in this scene? I’d be terrified, too. It was a dumber “Willy Wonka” chocolate river ride nightmare.
So, a B-plot in this show is Stephanie taking hormone shots in hopes of getting a fertile egg so she and Jimmy can make their demon spawn. She has Kimmy help her with the shot and I’m alarmed with how comfortable Kimmy is with needles.
Because sitcom shenanigans, the shots make Steph all sorts of moody. She’d get aggressive. She’d get sappy. My hope was she’d go full Lizzy Borden and axe the family. However, I’m not allowed to have nice things.
Froemming: Also, it turns out the hostage girl from SAFSPA convinced Romona to not become a Stepford Wife of an arts school in California (did Betsy DeVos write this episode?), but because she is a doomed Gibbler, she tries to lie about having her application revoked with the help of a friend and her phone.
This would have worked for anybody else, but again, Ramona is a Gibbler and she gets called out for her lies. And we get a heart-to-heart hug with the Gibblers. And then they go about their business making Fernando live alone in a whole house to himself, shunted off like a leper.
Brown: I imagine that Fernando is alone in his house, wallowing in loss and making ammo like he’s Frank Castle.
I should stop mixing “Fuller House” with my “Punisher.”
So after the ride, Steve and DJ have to have a talk. They decide their feelings are mutual but are not sure when they should start dating.
*Deep, deep breath* YOU BURNED BRIDGES FOR EACH OTHER! DATE NOW! DON’T WAIT A MONTH! YOU HAVE TO WAIT BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED IN JAPAN?! (REDACTED). YOU.
Froemming: On the bright side, I imagine CJ is somewhere with healthy people, forgetting she ever dealt with any of these people and will never again deal with them.
I wish I was CJ so I could have the very same thing. *sigh*
Brown: I’d buy CJ a drink and just tell her “I understand.”
This is gonna be a long week, isn’t it, Froemming?
Froemming: It is not going to be one of my best, that’s for sure.
Reviews for episodes 12 and 13 will be up tomorrow, Dec. 26