The JOE-DOWN Reviews ‘Jack and Jill’

Welcome to the JOE-DOWN, a back-and-forth movie review blog by two snarky newspapermen named Joe from Minnesota, Joe Froemming and Joe Brown. We will take turns selecting a movie — any movie we want — and review it here. For this installment, Froemming picked “Jack and Jill.”

The info:

The‌ ‌Movie:‌ ‌‌“Jack and Jill”‌ ‌

Starring:‌ ‌‌Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Al Pacino

Director:‌ Dennis Dugan

Plot‌ ‌Summary:‌ ‌‌(From‌ ‌IMDB)‌ Family guy Jack Sadelstein prepares for the annual event he dreads: the Thanksgiving visit of his fraternal twin sister, the needy and passive-aggressive Jill, who then refuses to leave.

Rotten‌ ‌Tomatoes‌ ‌Rating:‌ ‌‌3 ‌percent‌

Our take:

Froemming: This week I nearly killed the damn JOE-DOWN.

It started innocent enough: We would do a month devoted to Adam Sandler, who comically has a lot of (REDACTED) under his belt, as well as some comedy classics and award winning performances. “What could be the harm,” I said to myself when I picked 2011’s reviled “Jack and Jill.” “I have seen bad Sandler movies before, I can take it.”

I was wrong. So very wrong.

Never before has a movie insulted my entire being. Every aspect of this monstrosity was a direct insult to everything I enjoy in life. As I watched this at the gym, my body was washed over in shame as I felt the stares of even the people who watch Fox News judge me harshly as Sandler in drag popped on the screen of my phone, screeching in his East Coast falsetto “WHAT IS HAPPENING!!??”

And they were right to judge me like that. They were 100 percent in the right to think I was an awful human being for watching this Happy Madison production in front of the world.

Brown, as I collect myself here to recall the events of this cinematic tragedy, why don’t you give us your first thoughts.

Brown: You’re right. You nearly killed the JOE-DOWN.

No, that’s too kind of a word to describe it.

You nearly bludgeoned the JOE-DOWN to death. You nearly disemboweled the JOE-DOWN.

Look, I was asked so many times early on why we do this to ourselves and the answer was always “JOE-DOWNS are fun.” We’ve watched a lot of garbage but there was always a little fun to it.

But “Jack and Jill?” This is the first time this wasn’t fun. It was absolute torture. I felt like Token in “South Park” after he unknowingly watched “Backdoor Sluts 9.”

“Jack and Jill” destroyed me. The world isn’t the same, man. All food taste bland. All conversations are muddled voices and a high-pitched squeal. I see the vibrant colors of the world in a dull grey hue like a dog. We’re two movies in and I no longer wish to sanction Adam Sandler’s buffoonery.

*Sigh* Let’s get this over with.

Froemming: The movie begins with actual twin siblings discussing life as, you know, twins for some (REDACTED) reason. This bull(REDACTED) is here just to pad this turd of a movie out, because it adds nothing to the story.

Then, like in “Happy Gilmore” — a movie I believe this is a loose sequel to — we get the home videos of our heroes, Jack and Jill Sadelstein growing up. All I remember is at one point young Jill has an armpit full of bushy hair and this was my first inkling that I had made a very grave mistake.

Brown: The first joke this movie puts out there is the baby twins farting in the bathtub. Jill’s fart is longer and more violent.

It’s very symbolic of this movie: “Jack and Jill” is the cinematic equivalent of (REDACTED) the bathtub.

Staying with this theme, we fast-forward to the present day and the first line is “Pepto-Bismol.” Because Jack is an ad exec. Sure. Whatever, Sandler. Get your (REDACTED) product placements together in one fell swoop.In the first three (REDACTED) minutes, Pepto, Dunkin’ Donuts, Radio Shack, Diet Coke, American Airlines and Hilton Hotels are either shown or mentioned extensively.

My hands are shaking with how mad I am reliving this movie right now.

Froemming: For Jack to keep his Dunkin’ Donuts account, we learn he needs to get *sigh* Al Pacino to appear in a commercial for a new product called Dunk-a-cino.

Sweet Jesus, this man was in the “Godfather,” “Scarface” and “Heat.” He has won an (REDACTED) Academy Award.

Brown: Pointing out that Al Pacino’s name sounds like a coffee drink isn’t even an original joke. They took a joke from Dane Cook, who is an alleged plagiarist. You plagiarized a plagiarist!

Froemming: That is not all of Jack’s problems. Thanksgiving is coming up, and that means his sister Jill will be visiting. He has a white hot rage toward his sister, much like the rage I have at this movie in general, and he wants her stay to be as brief as possible. Much like I want all memory of this movie to be but a blip in my brain once this review is over.

But neither Jack nor I will be getting what we want in life.

Brown: No, man. This movie has left us wounded. We’re now legless, armless, faceless husks like the dude in the “One” music video. “Jack and Jill” war crime’d us.

Froemming: I think we both became like Ed O’Neill in “Wayne’s World” after watching this.

Jill has booked a flight from Brooklyn that arrives in LA at like 4 a.m., which drives Jack nuts. But he makes commercials and deals with actors. Isn’t super early hours part of his life? You know what, Jack can go ahead and take …

Sorry, I went off the rails there. Readers, be glad you never read what followed there. It’s dark.

Anyway, he picks up his sister and we are informed that Sandler, in drag, is going to yell at the top of his lungs in an obnoxious voice for the next hour-and-a-half, and I came close to that dark void that I believe lead Kurt Cobain to take himself off this mortal coil in 1994.

Brown: Like, what was Sandler going for with Jill? He’s trying to go with an annoying Jewish woman stereotype with Jill. But it’s not endearing AT ALL. It’s like how angry white dudes at Charlottesville envision a Jewish woman.

And Sandler’s entire look at Jill is to make her the most unlikable person around between her nagging, disgusting bodily functions and annoying tendencies. But later, we’re supposed to empathise with her because Jack is a sociopath who’ll dress up like his sister to get in Al Pacino’s good graces?

It doesn’t work. At all. If this movie were “Cape Fear” and Jill was Max Cady, it would be perfect.

To get back on track, after meeting Jill, we now meet Jack’s family.

You’d expect a normal nuclear family, right? Of (REDACTED) course not. There’s an adopted son who tapes stuff to himself randomly for reasons. Jack’s daughter dresses like a Puritan and does karate to impress guests so you know she’s not important. Jack’s wife is Katie Holmes, who probably looks at this movie as the dark point of her life, which once included a stint at the Church of Scientology.

Also, there’s a homeless man at Thanksgiving dinner for NO REASON. I assume rich white person guilt but it’s never explained!

Froemming: One of the things I hate about this movie is it almost destroys a movie I love. That isn’t just any homeless man. That is Otto, the homeless caddy in “Happy Gilmore.” That golf comedy helped me in some of my darkest hours, it is my go-to when I am down because it is a fun, nutty, extremely quotable film. AND THIS MOVIE, THIS (REDACTED) MOVIE, HAS TAKEN A GIANT…

OK, so adding insult to injury, this (REDACTED) movie is a sequel to “Happy Gilmore.” And now I want to see the world burn, like the Joker in “Dark Knight” and President Donald Trump.

Brown: I don’t think it’s a “Happy Gilmore” sequel so much as it is a part of the Adam Sandler Expanded Universe. Marvel has taught us that you have to start looking at movies as a long con for all the franchising opportunities. Adam Sandler is not above putting Jill Sadelstein with Robbie Hart from “The Wedding Singer” for some crossover shenanigans.

Because this review is not going fast enough, let’s get back on track.

Jack insults Jill at dinner and she runs into the woods with her pet bird, Poopsie.

Froemming:

Brown: After Jack gives a half-assed apology, we find out that Jill wants to do a bunch of stuff while she’s in LA, like be on a game show and ride a horse.

So yeah, a horse gets crushed under Jill’s weight because this movie is not above animal abuse. A gerbil is also taped to the son’s back because, again, this movie is not above animal abuse.

As for the game show, Jill goes on “The Price is Right,” Drew Carey edition because we couldn’t even get a Sandler/Bob Barker reunion. Jill somehow knocks herself out on the prize wheel.

Like anyone who saw this movie (this movie made almost $150 million at the box office!!!), I wish Jill had killed herself with the wheel. But alas, the movie continues.

AND, Jill’s staying in LA for the foreseeable future because her ticket back to New York is open ended!

Froemming: So one of the plans to get rid of Jill is to get her dating a guy. Which would just actually keep her in LA. But (REDACTED) logic. So they have Jill sign up for online dating and the whole time I was wondering why Jack hadn’t eaten her in the womb like Chang did to his twin in “Community.” Or the other way around. I hate both characters equally.

But Jill is not getting any hits. Her profile photo is of her eating pizza or something. So Jack goes on Craig’s List to find creepy old perverts to date his sister, which tracks for this movie.

And then Jill lands a date! With Norm Macdonald. (REDACTED) me, this movie has to ruin everything I enjoy in this world, doesn’t it?

Brown: Norm Macdonald has the look in his eye that he just wants his life to end just for being in this movie. Frankly, I don’t blame him.

And when his character goes to the bathroom to escape Jill, I kept thinking (well, more hoping) that he would Brooks himself and we’d find him dangling from the ceiling. I deserve something for watching this (REDACTED) travesty.

Anywho, Jack feels bad about his sister’s date that he takes her on a date to a Lakers game. However, he has an ulterior motive as Al Pacino is gonna be at the game.

When we see Pacino, he’s dressed up in a whole get-up with a fake beard. He’s also hanging out with Johnny Depp, which honestly, it makes sense that he’s in this compost pile of a movie.

No, that’s insulting to compost. Compost is helpful. “Jack and Jill” is like one of those garbage islands in the ocean that are killing wildlife.

Froemming: We also get to see Kobe Bryant playing ball here, so this is the second most awful thing that man had ever done. Though he did apologize for the first awful thing, I never saw an apology for this.

I’m sorry, that was a cheap shot.

Anyway, Al Pacino is hanging out with Johnny Depp at the Lakers game and is smitten by Jill, because the script demanded it and I guess Al Pacino really needed money in the early 2010s. That is the only explanation I can think of as to why he is in this (REDACTED) thing.

Brown: Considering we reviewed “Heat,” this is what I imagine was in Al’s mind when he saw Jill.

Froemming: He sends a hotdog with his number written in ketchup and mustard to Jill, which is a terrible idea for a celebrity to do in an age where everyone has a (REDACTED) camera on them at all times.

But Jill is not interested. She is still hurting from the date with Norm “Funbucket” Macdonald. So Jack is mad at her for not being his “in” to an actor who obviously has no standards, seeing he is in this movie.

Yeah, this movie tainted Al Pacino for me. You know damn well my argument for why the first two “Godfather” movies went from masterpieces to now sucking in my mind is going to be because nothing good can come from a guy who did this:

His Oscar should be taken away from him.

Brown: This will always be the thing that’ll befuddle me about this movie: Al Pacino tried.

In a movie based around Adam Sandler (and later David Spade) dressing in drag, American treasure Al Pacino gave an honest-to-God effort to salvage ANYTHING in this dog(REDACTED) movie.

I mean, look at this! Al Pacino went from this:

And this:

AND THIS:

To this:

It’s happened, Froemming. I think I’m dead and “Jack and Jill” was my journey into Hell.

Froemming: No, Hell would be this movie on repeat for eternity.

So (REDACTED) Al Pacino. And (REDACTED) everyone involved with this abomination.

Brown: Oh, like Jared Fogle in the next (REDACTED) scene?

Think about this: We have a motion picture where Al Pacino shares celluloid with Jared (REDACTED) Fogle. And according to this movie they both attended the same birthday party for Jack and Jill.

Somewhere in the multiverse, there’s a moment where Al Pacino and Jared Fogle shared the same oxygen. Also, John McEnroe, the Shamwow guy, Michael Irvin and Bill Romanowski.

Froemming: Have we talked about the racism in this movie yet? Because there is A LOT of racism in this (REDACTED) movie. They try to make it OK by having the racist crap said by Jack’s Mexican gardener, Felipe.

Brown: Oh, it’s no surprise we have a racist character in a Sandler movie. The only surprise is that it’s not played by Rob Schneider.

Froemming: So Felipe says all these racist stereotypes, but somehow it is OK because the character is Mexican?

OK, so Jack wants Jill to go out with Academy Award-winning actor Al Pacino, but she doesn’t like the guy. She goes off with Felipe to a picnic with his family, where I will skip over all the racism here because if we get into that my brain will explode, but will point out it ends with Jill getting diarrhea from eating spicy food.

Get it? Poop is funny! POOP IS FUNNY GUYS!!!!! *begins uncontrollable sobbing*

Brown: It’s not poop, Froemming. The way Jill says it, it’s “chocolate squirties.”

Froemming: Have you ever woke up and wished you were dead, Brown?

Brown: Every day since I’ve watched this movie.

Because Pacino wants to, and I quote Jill here “Play ‘Twister’ with (Jack’s) sister,” Jack decides to ruin his life further by inviting Jill on the cruise his family was planning on taking. Honestly, this plot hole was shoehorned in clearly because they got a Royal Caribbean sponsorship in this movie. This movie tries playing the emotion card that Jill is lonely since their mom died. A. (REDACTED) this movie for trying to toy with my emotions. And B. What does it say for Jack that he seemingly feels nothing for his mother’s death throughout this movie?

Froemming: After watching this, I don’t think I can feel anything anymore. I am in a constant state of numbness and apathy that consumes my every waking hour.

So, because Jill refuses to go out with Al, Jack decides to throw on a dress and pretend he is his sister to trick the legendary actor. Just typing that, it felt like the molecules in my body wanted to rip apart and leave me as nothing more than a faint memory to those who I have known.

Brown: Question that just popped in my mind: Replace Pacino with Nic Cage. Does this movie improve in any way?

Froemming: Nothing can improve this movie.

Brown: That is the correct answer.

So yeah, Al (REDACTED) Pacino flirts with Jack in drag, including a whole tickling scene where I thought I was having a stroke because seeing it caused my head to scream in pain and my vision went blurry.

Jill calls while Jack is doing this and finds out that, yes, her brother was trying to whore her out. So naturally, Jill’s going to go back to the Bronx because Jack is a real piece of (REDACTED). Even Al Pacino makes Jack see that when he gives this soliloquy about why he’s so attracted to Jill.

Again, why the (REDACTED) did Al Pacino try so hard in this movie?! Part of me wants to respect him for it, but he said yes to “Jack and Jill,” so I can’t.

This is me wanting to discuss this movie again after our review wraps up.

Froemming: So Jill goes to the restaurant where she and her mother always ate on New Years Eve, alone with only a photo of her deceased mom with her. Which, if this movie had not made it abundantly clear it hates this character as much as the audience does, I might have felt for Jill. But I didn’t. Also there is David Spade playing a woman Jack and Jill went to high school with and, I swear, this movie just dares the viewer to try and finish it.

Brown: Jack and his family arrive to celebrate New Years with Jill because Jack finally realises how terrible a human being he is. As for Katie Holmes, why is she still around this psycho? You’d think the red flag to file for divorce would be seeing her husband in drag to get in Al Pacino’s pants. She divorced Tom Cruise for less.

The way that Jack makes amends with Jill is by speaking in their “special twin language,” which is literally every random Sandler noise he’s made since “SNL.”

Then for some reason David Space attacks Katie Holmes before Jill knocks her out. And then Al Pacino shows up as Don Quixote because life is nothing but random events and when we die, there is just a black void.

They go back to Jill’s house where Felipe and his kids are waiting to profess his love for Jill because, again, life is nothing but random events and when we die, there is just a black void.

Yeah, this movie has broken me to the point where I’m looking for rocks to put in my pocket so I can Virginia Woolf myself.

Froemming: Let’s end this. Let’s go to recommendations.

Brown: Not so fast.

The closing scene with Al Pacino is basically what should have happened to this movie in the first place.