Welcome to the JOE-DOWN, a back-and-forth movie review blog by two snarky newspapermen named Joe from Minnesota, Joe Froemming and Joe Brown. We will take turns selecting a movie — any movie we want — and review it here. For this installment, Froemming picked “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1.”
The Movie: “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1”
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner
Director: Bill Condon
Plot Summary: (From IMDB) The Quileutes close in on expecting parents Edward and Bella, whose unborn child poses a threat to the Wolf Pack and the towns people of Forks.
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 25 percent
Froemming: It is already July, and COVID-19 has turned summer into a sad, joyless affair. To top it off, every week, we are informed of new travesties as our divided nation is led by a petulant man-child who can’t even drink water like a normal person. So I obviously wondered how I could make things worse for Brown and I.
And it hit me: We have not visited old Forks, Wash. in a while. A place where vampires glitter and mope, relationships are always toxic, werewolves are jacked bros and our heroine Bella Swan breathes through her mouth like a damned yokel.
Brown, remember when the “Twilight” series was about glittery vampires playing baseball?
Anywho, as I ponder how one can love something that is sucking the life out of them, why don’t you give us your first thoughts Brown?
Brown: What the (REDACTED) is wrong with you, Froemming?
You started picking these movies as a response to me picking “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” and its sequel. Yet we’re on the fourth movie of this franchise because… ?
Seriously, I brought you joy last week with “Sonic the Hedgehog,” once you get past Jim Carrey looking like right-wing speed bag Richard Spencer.
We’re not going to suggest this movie. We’re only wearing this because you’re America’s greatest monster since Jimmy Carter. So let’s get this convoluted mess over with so I can enjoy the rest of my weekend.
Brown: I will also mention that this is the first JOE-DOWN review where I got very drunk while watching the movie. So the notes I took were through the lens of a man four-or-five vodka tonics in.
Froemming: We start off back in old Forks, Wash. and our super-jacked cuck Jacob gets a wedding invitation to Edward and Bella’s nuptials. And, like Forrest Gump before him, Jacob just starts — running?
Brown: Running shirtless into the woods for reasons.
Also, Bella and Jacob are kind of dicks for sending a wedding invite to a guy who is CLEARLY in love with Bella. Part of me thinks that it’s because they’ll do the “oh, we wanted to invite you so you feel wanted but really, we don’t want you there.” But the logical part of me thinks the two are just oblivious assholes.
Froemming: This is our fourth movie in this franchise, we know Bella is a toxic piece of shit of a human being. Who is the real monster of this movie? The pedophile vampire, the anger issues werewolf or the sociopathic teen girl who emotionally abuses everyone in her path?
The answer is all of them. All of them are the monster.
Brown: Also, with the way the movie portrays it by showing everyone getting invites… did Bella not tell her parents she was getting married to Edward? The dad looks surprised and reacts as though he failed his 18-year-old daughter (which, you haven’t, sir. Bella just kind of sucks). And the mom reacts like Michael Scott during a fire drill.
Froemming: This should have been Bella with the wedding invites:
But noooo, we have to have a two-hour crapfest of a movie.
So, we also see Anna Kendrick telling her friends Bella is getting married because she is probably pregnant, which I mean, whenever an 18-year-old gets married that is what I assume as well. SHOTGUN WEDDING!
And then we get a weird, stupid dream sequence of the wedding, where everyone is wearing white, which is OK because it must be before Labor Day or whatever nonsense that crap is about.
And it ends pretty much like the “Jeremy” video by Pearl Jam.
Brown: If this wedding turned into a “Game of Thrones” bloodbath, I would give this movie a 9/10. It could be a 10/10 if Bella and Edward took their own lives after butchering the party.
Oh, is that too harsh, reader? YOU try watching these shit heap movies.
Alas, what would have been the best way to end the franchise was just a dream. And then we get to the real wedding, which is the most boring wedding I have ever witnessed. No booze, barely any drama, just awkward speeches that, unlike the speech Brown told me before my own failed marriage where he called me and my ex Sid and Nancy, have no pop to them.
Brown: Still don’t think I was wrong about that comparison, aside from you two never having a heroin addiction.
So, Froemming, are you like me when any time you see Anna Kendrick on screen, you remember “Oh yeah, she’s in this tire fire.”
Froemming: Considering I don’t think I have seen a good movie with her in it, that is always my reaction to Anna Kendrick.
Brown: Yeah, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her in anything good or if she is a good actress or not. Entertaining Twitter follow, though.
Now, the wedding itself… One constant through our Twilight reviews is my belief that Bella Swan just has a constant sinus allergy to explain all the mouth breathing. The wedding is in the (REDACTED) forest with flowers EVERYWHERE! This wedding is an ears, nose & throat doctor’s waking nightmare. I’m convinced Bella was hopped up on Benadryl through this whole process.
Then, the priests does NOTHING here. Basically, when Bella is done walking to the altar, her and Edward just start making out. I was expecting the priest to be like “umm, guys, can I start?”
Also, who are all these people at the wedding? Neither Bella or Jacob have many friends besides their own families. Yet this thing is heavily attended.
Finally, Anna Kendrick’s character gives a speech and basically acts jealous that Edward picked Bella over her. She’s basically Steve Buscemi’s character from “The Wedding Singer.”
Froemming: She dodged a bullet, as I think anyone ending up with Edward will be at this point in a few years.
And we see the Cullens’ Alaskan family, which are statuesque blondes for some reason?
Well, Edward has a surprise for Bella: He got Jacob to show up and watch the love of his life marry another man, just salting the emotional wounds more and more. What’s next, Edward? Invite him along to the honeymoon and have him sit in a corner and watch the two of you bump uglies?
Brown: If would fit Jacob’s character of being a cuck…
Now, when Jacob shows up, he says something about being the best man. Was… was that a joke or was Jacob supposed to be the best man. Because if he was, JESUS CHRIST, Edward and Bella are the worst.
So Bella and Jacob have a chat while slow-dancing and again, the chemistry between these two is SO much more apparent than Bella and Edward. Like, I know you’re following these books and this is how it goes, but as a filmmaker, you’re four movies in. Take creative license and let the two people who should be together, well, be together. I’m sure Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson would have preferred that, too, because I think they were on the ounts by this movie.
Froemming: Let’s have the president of the United States weight in on this:
Well, son of a bitch, I guess a broken clock is right twice a day.
Bell also informs Jacob that she is going to have sex with Edward on their honeymoon, which he is surprised and angry about? Did you think they were just going to hold hands, Jacob?
And our two toxic leads do head to Isle Esme, which is in Brazil. Brown, you have some thoughts on this exotic location I believe.
Brown: Well, when I first saw this, I thought “If this movie shows Rio rebuilding itself after a 10-ton safe destroyed everything, 10/10.” Then I thought, no, I don’t want this movie existing in the “Fast and the Furious” universe.
Now, Rio isn’t the safest place. And considering how pale Edward and Bella are, they look ripe for kidnapping and being ransomed. Also, no one except Edward’s family seems to know where the honeymoon is taking place, so the Swans are terrible at communication.
So we got a couple attractive newlyweds whose relationship has basically been three movies of foreplay in a palatial estate in South America… and most of their vacation is spent playing chess? Did Bella marry a grandpa… well, yeah, she did because he’s technically over 100. It got to the point where I’m shocked Bella didn’t use the chess pieces to spell out “(REDACTED) me!”
Then again, up to this point, Jacob has suggested to Bella that sex with Edward will literally kill her, which HAS to be the plot of a porno I’ve never seen.
Well, they do bang. And it’s here that Bella and Edward FINALLY remember something awfully important: Sex makes babies.
Froemming: The sex looks rough as Bella has bruises and whatnot, and they broke the bed. Which, if it were any other couple, I would say “way to go!” But not these two. Kink is one thing, these two always take a dark and tragic turn. I mean, the closest couple I can think of to these two are these two:
Brown: It’s here when my head explodes like “Scanners” because, remember now, the book and screenplay were written by women. Here, Bella has a breakfast of fried chicken, peanut butter and yogurt, throws up, deduces her period is late and SUDDENLY feels a baby kicking in her uterus, all in 14 DAYS!
This is the dumbest goddamn movie we’ve watched.
Bella is pregnant with a DEMON BABY, which Edward deals with in a very awkward manner. I mean, he doesn’t say it, but he implies they should kill it with fire. Because vampires should not be able to knock up humans. Because they are dead, they have no blood and hence, no semen. RIGHT?
In fact, the lack of blood in their system would mean Edward should not be able to get an erection.
Brown: So in a panic, the two let Carlisle, the head of the Cullen family, know of the apparent pregnancy. And instead of telling Bella and Edward that they’re idiots because you’re not going to show signs of pregnancy in 14 days, he basically reacts like Frank Reynolds when Dee announces she’s pregnant.
Froemming: How sad is it that a sitcom from the ‘90s dealt with this touchy subject better than this pile of shit?
Brown: So with the honeymoon ruined on account of stupidity, Bella and Edward return to Forks. Jacob shows up to the Cullen home where Bella is basically turning into Christian Bale from “The Machinist,” all frail and malnourished. Apparently this hellspawn is sucking up all of Bella’s nutrients like a lamprey to a fish.
I mean, if this is a way to convince teens that abstinence is the way to go, this is downright moronic. I hope teens had premarital sex in protest of this franchise’s buffoonery.
Oh, but we do find a way for Bella to quench the thirst of this Damian in her body: BY DRINKING HUMAN BLOOD.
I think the public school system failed Stephenie Meyer.
Froemming: And she says it doesn’t taste bad. Not only are you a monster, you’re a (REDACTED) liar, Bella.
To add more to this nonsense, Jacob finds out about this and is livid the woman who wanted nothing to do with him is now knocked up and being eaten alive by her unborn spawn. Jacob, the Cullens, everyone tells Bella she should abort the baby, because it is literally killing her.
But Bella has the power of Joseph Smith on her side, with his gold plates, magic underwear and whatnot, so she is soldering on with the pregnancy.
Brown: With Bella talking nonsense about having her devil spawn, Jacob runs off and has a Willy Wonka tunnel nightmare experience. The wolves now know that Bella is basically birthing the antichrist and they want to kill the baby, the vampires and Bella in one fell swoop. It just dawned on me that the Cullen family are the Woodland Critters from “South Park.” I’m sure they’ll celebrate the birth with a blood orgy.
It’s from here where I don’t recall much of what went on since the vodka tonics took hold.
Froemming: Jacob breaks with his wolfpack and will save the woman who constantly crushes his heart with her awful mindgames. He will protect her, and his brother and sister join him because we need more C-plot in this movie to pad it out to two hours. Of a two-part movie.
The Cullens need more blood and Jacob is used as a distraction which ends as well as you assume it will. Because we get the vampires and werewolves engaging in some…
Brown: I just remember seeing the wolves, like, mind-talking to each other and thinking “This is so goddamn stupid.”
Then at some point, as Bella continues to suffer from having a lamprey baby, Edward has the gall to blame Bella for getting pregnant.
Edward, you’re, like, 100, you can’t POSSIBLY be that stupid.
God, I wish I had more alcohol to deal with this movie’s shit.
Also, I need to mention the part where Bella is shivering and Jacob warms her up because (in a callback), dude is apparently always warm.
Look, guys and girls can be friends. But not if one professes love for the other. You are such a little bitch, Jacob.
Froemming: Maybe could have prevented this by using protection.
So everyone is fighting and Jacob and Edward help Bella deliver her hell spawn, and they manage to do it despite no medical training whatsoever.
And then Bella dies.
That was a great way to end the franchise, killing off the most obnoxious character, let’s go to recommendations…
Wait, no. No we can not. This is only part one of the film, and we are not done yet.
While the wolves are closing in, Jacob “imprints” on the devil child, meaning it is now under his protection?
Brown: Jacob basically marked a child as his own.
Froemming: By pissing on it?
Brown: He is grooming a literal newborn. Jacob found a way to be worse than Jeffrey Epstein. In a movie that involves talks of vampire abortion, drinking human blood (or Dahmer slushies, as I wrote in my notes) and infanticide, THIS may be the most irredeemable thing about this movie.
Froemming: Let’s head on down to recommendations!
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND?