Welcome to the JOE-DOWN, a back-and-forth movie review blog by two snarky newspapermen named Joe from Minnesota, Joe Froemming and Joe Brown. We will take turns selecting a movie — any movie we want — and review it here. For this installment, Froemming picked “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2.”
The Movie: “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2”
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner
Director: Bill Condon
Plot Summary: (From IMDB) After the birth of Renesmee/Nessie, the Cullens gather other vampire clans in order to protect the child from a false allegation that puts the family in front of the Volturi.
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 39 percent
Froemming: Well, our journey with the town of Forks, Washington has come to a close. For five years, I have tormented Brown with this tale about a pedophile vampire who seduces a high school student (and knocks her up, just to add more ewww to this franchise) and the werewolf they savagely torment/cuck along the way.
The finale movie offers an
thrilling exciting end to this journey. A movie filled with WTF moments, superpowers that really should make this film much shorter, racism, a real dick-tease of an ending, a lot of Euro-trash, Vampire Hans and Franz and, for some reason, Wesley Snipes.
I can’t believe we sat through five of these (REDACTED) things. Oh well, your messages at 3 a.m. complaining about it made it all worth it.
Anyway, Brown, how are you feeling about his last round with the glittery vampires and the mouthbreathers who love them?
Brown: I’m glad that you no longer have this bullet in the chamber to threaten me with. But I am so (REDACTED) angry about this (REDACTED) movie.
It’s one thing to still have shitty effects and to haunt my dreams with a CGI baby. But to tease me with actual entertainment for the first time in five movies, only to make it irrelevant…
I already wanted to do this before we watched “Breaking Dawn Part Deux,” but after this, I want to find all the vampires and drive a stake through their
Also, this movie has an Academy Award-winning actor in it, and I can’t cope with that right now.
Froemming, get us started while I try to shield my real friends that don’t make me watch flaming garbage like this.
Froemming: Well, it starts with Bella waking up after whatever the hell happened in the last movie (I have no memory of it) and she is now a vampire. And she says it’s what she always wanted to be: An undead monster who preys upon the blood of people. Which certainly tracks for Kristen Stewart. And she wakes up in God Mode from “Doom,” because she is for some reason more powerful than the Cullen family.
Her true love,
Jeffrey Epstein Edward takes his love out on a hunt, where she is going to murder a deer. Not with a gun, or a bow like Bobby Baccalieri, but with her bare hands and mouth.
Until some chucklehead mountain climbing scrapes his hand. So she wants the real stuff. And during this whole scene, I was hoping some Van Helsing would swoop in and put an end to this terrible movie.
Brown: I’d take Blade. Or Simon Belmont. Or ANY vampire hunters of our time. Anyone to take these vampires out.
Also, apparently becoming a vampire gives you Spider Sense? Because when Bella wakes up, she can sense flowers blooming and moisture dripping… basically, all her senses are heightened like she’s Peter Parker. Also, she weaves through the forests of Endor with ease thanks to some of the worst green screen effects I’ve seen in a movie. Look, I get this was the last one, but I swear the effects have regressed throughout this series.
I only assume that because I remember nothing of the previous movies.
Apparently, Bella is a special kind of “newborn” vampire. She fights off the urge to disembowel a human to feed. Instead, she *checks notes* rips out the throat of a cougar that’s about to attack a deer? That’s… actually hardcore.
Oh, this movie REALLY loves to drive the point that Bella is somehow special at every single turn. The only thing she’s extraordinary at is worrying her poor dad to death and *checks notes* telling a Native American kid that he’s smelly?
Froemming: My jaw dropped at that moment. Bella is now with the cool kids (by cool, the creepy family that keeps Hot Topic open) and treats Jacob more horribly than I remember and then tells him he is smelly?
So, it turns out Jacob has been helping raise Bella and Edward’s child, just to add more insult and injury to this poor son-of-a-bitch. Run Jacob, run away from this toxic situation. Bella just uses you, calls you smelly and laughs behind your back with her 800 year old boyfriend.
Brown: OR! Bella and Edward should run away from this pedophile that’s imprinted on their newborn child and is grooming her like he’s Woody Allen.
Froemming: I don’t remember this much pedophile shit in the other movies. And frankly, I am disturbed by all this. What would be best is for all of these characters would be to break into the wrong house and meet their end:
I love the image of Cliff Booth taking all of these chuckleheads out.
Brown: But perhaps the most disturbing thing about “Breaking Dawn Part Deux,” and the “Twilight” series as a whole, is when we see the Cullen’s baby for the first time.
Apparently (again, remember nothing) the baby is growing at an accelerated rate. So when Bella meets baby Renesmee for the first time, it’s this Uncanny Valley nightmare with a full set of teeth. And I’m guessing they did something where they merged Kirstin Stewart’s and Robert Pattinson’s likenesses to generate this monster.
Frankly, the baby from “It’s Alive” scares me less than this thing.
Froemming: Maybe the child is…
Yup, almost everything in this movie is a waking nightmare come to life and put on film. The child grows fast, Jacob imprinted on her — I am not even sure what that means and I don’t care to find out — and Bella’s dad has been calling non-stop to find out if she is ok. And the Cullens just sit around doing nothing but look over a baby almost as terrifying as the one in “Eraserhead.”
To move this along, after Bella beats the shit out of Jacob after calling him smelly, he finds out this gaggle of goofballs are planning on moving. Instead of admitting to himself some hard truths about Bella not wanting him, he goes to her dad’s place, takes off his clothes in front of him…
So he exposed himself to her dad, and he also turned into a werewolf in front of him too, so now this guy has to deal with this shit now.
Brown: I thought Jacob was about to ask Charlie if he liked movies about gladiators.
And to rewind quick, about Bella beating the shit out of Jacob: GOOD! He’s trying to groom an infant that has apparently grown teeth in two days of living. And, as we find out at the end of the movie, is expected to reach maturity at 7 YEARS OLD. Jacob is a literal monster. Get him the (REDACTED) out of your lives.
Froemming: Her father literally groomed her mother in high school. Nowhere is safe for Renesmee.
Brown: Are we sure Forks isn’t on Epstein Island?
Froemming: We could ask Frank?
Brown: So anyways, Charlie comes up to the Cullen house to check on her daughter. Bella’s being as vague as an NES game regarding her health. She basically tells Charlie that she’s fine and he doesn’t need to know anything else because Bella (and virtually every other vampire in this movie) is an X-Men.
And Charlie just… accepts that answer. And also accepts Renesmee as an adopted niece that *checks notes* will go from seven months to seven years in, what, two months?
Froemming: Let’s also mention that the Cullens have to teach Bella, who was human her whole life, how to act like a human in front of her dad. I feel like this was the actors caught on tape explaining to Stewart how to act like a normal person and they left it in.
Let’s also mention, Stewart no longer does a lot of mouth-breathing in this. Nope, her mouth is shut now, but this brought another disturbing element: Bella now suffers from crippling Danzig Jaw.
Brown: Also, this sequence takes place apparently during Vampire Festivus. Because after Charlie leaves, the feats of strength take place. Apparently Bella is the strongest vampire in the Cullen family, beating meathead Emmett in arm wrestling and smashing rocks like a “Mortal Kombat” game of Test Your Might.
Also, Bella and Edward are gifted a house where they constantly hump. Like, the movie makes it a point to say that vampires don’t tire, don’t eat and don’t lose energy. So they can have sex all day. And I assume they do that for a while because we fast-forward some time later and Renesmee is past the infant stage.
How (REDACTED) blessed are Bella and Edward that through their child’s infancy, the Cullens and Jacob raise the child while they just bang like they’re Frank and Artemis in a Wendy’s dumpster? Like, did Bella and Edward ever change a diaper?
Froemming: Well, the child is aging fast and one day they are out for a walk and the kid can fly? Well, this is seen by Irina, who just happens to be in the area snooping. I feel Irina has been caught on camera harassing employees at Target for wearing masks during a pandemic. Or calling the cops on black people for living their lives. She has strong Karen vibes, this Irina character.
This is not good. See, if Wesley Snipes and the Volturi find out there is a vampire child, all hell will break out. Because vampire children are more trouble than they are worth and get thrown into fires and shit. There was a whole scene explaining this, but it was so stupid/horrible I sort of blanked out what was being said while *checks notes* a baby is thrown into a fire!
Brown: Apparently the Volturi think that Renesmee is an immortal child… which is a thing that this movie doesn’t explain well. Wikipedia says that immortal children turned to vampires as children and cannot quench their bloodlust.
It matches up with every other stupid-ass thing this series has brought us.
Alice, our X-Men with clairvoyance, sees images of the Volturi coming to kill the Cullens over the immortal child.
To prepare for this, Carlisle Cullen (the head of the family) decides to reach out to all his vampire friends to get witnesses that Renesmee is not an immortal child.
Alice and her boyfriend (I think) Jasper… they bail. Because they’re the only smart ones here.
So, we blow the majority of this movie’s budget by traveling around the world looking for vampires that look like tour musicians for Nine Inch Nails.
Froemming: Yup, the next 10 minutes or so is basically this:
We first meet the closest vampires, who all look Swedish so I assumed they would be wimpy neutrals in this battle. Nope, but they have X-Powers too! Well, one does. She can shoot electricity like the lamest of the X-Men, Jubilee.
Brown: Hey, man. Don’t diss Jubilee. She wears Bret Hart glasses!
Froemming: I said what I said.
We meet some others, one a veteran who hates the British almost as much as I hate all the characters in this movie. There are two black vampires, which would feel progressive if not for the pretty racist way they are portrayed as from some lost tribal village…
Brown: We also get (REDACTED) Academy Award-winning Rami Malek as one of the vampires that *checks notes* manipulates the elements like he’s in “Avatar: The Last Airbender.”
Froemming: His powers are basically “game over” that this movie refuses to acknowledge. The end with the snow and ice? He should easily kill the bad guys. But nooooo! This movie plays fast and loose with its own logic.
Brown: Rami Malek being in this is somehow weirder than when he ran into Alf on “Mr. Robot.”
Froemming: Let’s just admit Malek is this generation’s Nic Cage.
Brown: We can do that once we hear Malek screaming about bees.
So yeah, all the X-Men are uniting at the Cullen house. And we find out what Bella’s power is: she can shield herself (and others, with some work) from other vampires’ powers. That’s why Edward could never read her mind earlier. Doesn’t quite explain how Alice could see her future in previous movies, but this movie has a shorter memory of its own plot than Froemming and I do.
So on the X-Men scale, Bella’s as lame as Morph from the animated series.
Froemming: Alice left a note too, which has a clue for later in the movie, because everything is awful and I hate everyone.
Anyway, all these vampires come to Forks, and promise to not feed in the city limits. Which, really does not solve the problem of them killing and feeding off innocent people, drifters, hippies and other people on the outskirts of society. There is one vampire I kinda related to. He shows up all grumpy and decides to immediately coop up in the attic to be away from all these toxic assholes. I get it, man. I get it.
Then one day, Vampire Hans and Franz show up uninvited. They pop-in on the Cullens, and as we know, I despise pop-ins. These two have had a beef with old Wesley Snipes and his crew for I think 1,600 years. They want a revolution for the horrors inflicted upon them by the dirty Italians, so they will join the cause.
These two, I am pretty sure they will feed on the people of Forks. They are smug, sound like Russians, and look like they are really into EDM. Basically everything I was taught to hate growing up from action movies.
Brown: In Alice’s warning, the Cullens were told that the Volturi would arrive in Washington during the first snowfall. When looking back at the note, Bella sees that the paper came from a Shakespeare book. So because she has the X-Men power of common sense (?), she checks the Shakespeare book on the shelf and realizes that a note is in the book. This takes Bella to Seattle, where she meets a lawyer friend (I think?) of Alice and Jasper that has prepared for the worst.
Froemming: That isn’t just a lawyer. Sheeeeeeeiiiit, Brown, that is Sen. Clay Davis!
Brown: I didn’t watch “The Wire.” Because I spend my free time watching your shitty “Twilight” picks.
Anyways, the former senator has a forged birth certificate and passports for Jacob and Renesmee.
Aside from laughing at the documents for making Jacob’s last name Wolfe… this man is potentially aiding a pedophile to run away with his future child bride. EVERY. ONE. SHOULD. BE. IN. JAIL.
Froemming: I didn’t see his last name as Wolfe. I will let Kramer address this:
Brown: Before the big showdown, it’s Christmas at Charlie’s house. And instead of questioning how this granddaughter of his aged seven years in two months, he’s all excited to go on a fishing trip with his new girlfriend.
Frankly, I’m just glad that Charlie is getting away from all of this and actually enjoying his life. Charlie is the only redeemable character in this franchise.
Froemming: False. There is nothing redeemable about these movies.
Anywho, they have gotten Charlie out of town so this big showdown can happen. The plan is basically to convince Wesley Snipes the child is not a threat or to go to war with Europe. I think their odds are good, America is 3-0 on that front.
Brown: Hoping to avoid a vampire bloodbath in broad daylight (because this movie will forever ignore that part of vampire lore), the Cullens and their witnesses hope to convince the Volturi leader Aro that Renesmee isn’t an immortal child. The plan is for Renesmee to use her power of *checks notes* showing how she was conceived (??) to convince Aro.
I take back what I said about Bella’s X-Men powers. Renesmee’s powers are worse.
Also, Aro laughs like someone who has restraining orders from every elementary school ever built.
Aro sees that Renesmee isn’t an immortal child, but he’s trying to make a power play. So, he kills Irina in front of her family to provoke a war that they should win.
Right before any battle can take place, Alice and Jasper arrive and make this movie – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – rule ass for about 10 minutes.
Froemming: Yup, it gets kinda fun. Also, immortals killing one another by decapitation like we see here, I think this is Wesley Snipes confusing his life with “Highlander” like Frank confuses his life with John Rambo:
Why do I say Wesley Snipes is confusing his life? Because after 10 minutes of what would have been a satisfying ending to this shitshow of a franchise, we soon learn it was…*deep breath, control your rage, Froemming*…
ALL A (REDACTED) VISION OF THE FUTURE IF SNIPES HAD DECIDED TO ATTACK!!
Fuck you, movie. Fuck. You.
Brown: I was mesmerized by this action sequence. Wolves were ripping vampires apart. There was a chase scene. Rami Malek punched a hole in the earth. Vampires were lobbing each others’ heads off. Bella nearly set Aro on fire, for (REDACTED) sake!
Froemming: Brick killed a guy!
And then we see that it’s all a vision. Because we’re not allowed to have nice things.
We waited five fucking movies for something good to happen… and it has no bearing on anything other than to give Froemming and I fucking blue balls.
Look, we try to keep this review PG-13ish. But no. Not this time.
Fuck you, “Twilight.”
Froemming: When I found out this was all a vision, I related to the anger of Professor Hickey here…
So, Wesley Snipes and The Cure decide to take off, because manic-pixie-vampire-girl brought some dude from the Amazon who grew up half-mortal, half-immortal…
HALF-IMMORTAL!?!?!!?!! That doesn’t make any fucking sense!
Me to that scene:
Brown: Yeah, this Brazilian half-immortal mentions that he reached maturity at age 7 and is currently 150 years old.
Once Jacob heard that half-immortals reach maturity at age 7, I’m sure he got a red rocket. In fact, I’m sure that’s the case because this is an actual line of dialogue where Jacob actually says this line to Edward: “(Renesmee) is gonna be around for a long time now. … Should I start calling you dad?”
Then, Alice shows a vision of the future where Jacob and an adult Renesmee are together.
My words have escaped me. This movie was made for fucking teenagers and a main character through five movies is grooming a child like he’s Ted goddamn Nugent.
Froemming: That reaction from you made these past five years worth it.
Brown: At least “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” didn’t have half-wolf, half-men that should be on a government watchlist.
We’re not going to recommend this movie, so why don’t we just get to the end of the review, Froemming?
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND?
Froemming: No. But the five years of hell I put Brown through was worth sitting through these horseshit movies.
Brown: No. No one needs a movie with shiny vampires and Epstein Island wolves.
Here is what’s coming up for the next JOE-DOWN:
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