You people demanded it, and here it is. “Fuller House” week here at the JOE-DOWN. Something that was once an innocent joke has now become the bane of Joe Brown and I’s existence. So we will be reviewing Part One of season three this week.
EPISODE 3: Declarations of Independence
The gang agrees to help Stephanie become more self sufficient and Danny Tanner shows up for the 4th of July barbecue.
Froemming: Danny Tanner hates Max just as much as we do here at the JOE-DOWN. That’s the big reveal I got from this episode. Danny throws out a Dad Joke about yoga, and Max goes out of his way to destroy it. I momentarily became Mr. Tanner in this episode.
Brown: Yeah, before the big reveal of this episode, you can tell that something is amiss in Danny Tanner’s life. Dude has gone off the deep end, to the point that he makes a rendition of Barry Manilow’s “Copacabana” for his grandson Jackson that helps the lad obsess over his first love, Lola.
This angered me so much. “Copacabana” is my top guilty pleasure song. I know all the words and I’m on the edge of breaking it out for karaoke one of these days.
With that said, I was relieved that Danny was the only original cast member to come back for this one. A Fourth of July celebration seems ripe for cameos and thankfully, we didn’t experience that… yet.
Froemming: This is merely the calm before the (REDACTED) storm, my friend. We have NINE MORE EPISODES in December to review.
Brown: I just slumped in my chair reading that.
Froemming: It is the Fourth of July and the Fuller household is tense. Danny is on edge. Max is wearing a patriotic vest. Kimmy Gibbler is still alive, even though she should be dead after that tumble down the stairs last episode. And Lola wants to break it off with Jackson, because….well, Jackson is a doofus and I don’t blame the girl for wanting an out here.
Oh, and before I forget, Fernando speaks in a southern accent through 90 percent of this episode, which made me want to mainline bleach to try and forget I ever watched this show.
Brown: I didn’t mind Fernando talking like a Texan to start the episode because, let’s be honest, that’s how the rest of the world views Americans. And then he quoted Larry the Cable Guy and I wanted to see him get gored by a longhorn.
And Jackson, take it from a guy who has only had a few serious girlfriends in his life: Tone that (REDACTED) down, brother. Serial killers don’t suffocate women the way you’re trying to suffocate Lola. She’s right to dump you, because you are her literal shadow. But hey, this is kids TV, so they stay friends.
Kids, don’t stay friends with your exes. It’s just awkward.
Froemming: The best part of my divorce is I never have to speak to that person again.
We also have Stephanie dealing with her broken ankle, which I guess kudos for continuity to the writers for trying this for the first time.
Brown: They HAD to do this. Because Jodie Sweetin actually broke her leg back in January trying to grab one of her daughter’s toys.
Froemming: The fact you know this is almost more depressing than actually watching this show.
Stephanie tells Jimmy she doesn’t want help with things, which to quote Admiral Ackbar: IT’S A TRAP!
So Jimmy goes out of his way to not help his girlfriend with a bum foot. There is a lot of rising tension this episode among our cast of characters. I was secretly hoping for a “Battle Royale”-style killing each other off, but we get a Clean Pie Eating Contest later on instead.
Brown: Oh, you mean the scary-ass Pie Eating Contest where the members of the family and their friends dress like Unitologists? Yeah, that scared the (REDACTED) out of me.
Froemming: They have the Patrick Bateman raincoats and everything!
Brown: Speaking of attire, Max gets all mopey when he and his lady friend Rose do the ol’ Coke and Mentos trick and pop gets all over his Independence Day vest. She laughs because she’s nine and people’s misery is funny. And good on her for laughing at it. I was concerned that Rose was a 9-year-old Stepford Wife, and Max dresses like someone who wants to take health care away from poor people.
And, to touch on it, Stephanie struggles with her broken-leg independence because Jimmy will literally help her with nothing. Look, you’re dating a Gibbler. You got what you paid for.
Froemming: I cackled evilly when Max’s dumb vest got drenched in Coke. Because I am a monster.
Danny, who is going through a midlife crisis in his 60s, decides to do a Facebook Live segment for his morning show featuring his daughter and Matt. But because DJ is overbearing in all aspects of life, she hijacks the segment, continually cuts Matt off and wanders around with the iPad like a crazy person.
Get. Out. Now. Matt.
Brown: I was already mad because the whole news segment was based in nepotism. Isn’t Danny from LA? And he goes all the way to San Francisco to make sure HIS DAUGHTER is a feature player in something. Confirmed: DJ is Eric Trump.
Froemming: Is Stephanie Ivanka then? Because I like Stephanie.
Brown: Makes sense. Jimmy is a bumbling idiot who’ll unravel the whole family, just like Jared Kushner.
Anyway, I got even more upset because seeing a news TV person use an iPad and a selfie stick made me angry at the current state of mass media.
So, everyone has a grievance. And because the Tanners/Fullers/Gibblers don’t believe in Festivus, we have to use the tried-and-true Danny Tanner trope of talk-resolve-hug.
And honestly, I was hoping this would be the point where someone in this misguided cast of characters would go off on someone like Christian Bale in “Terminator Salvation.”
Froemming: When the Clean Pie Eating Contest, which you’re right, looks a lot like a cult gathering minutes before they take the cyanide pill, becomes a Pie Smashing Contest, how much blood did you think Danny saw in his Mind’s Eye? He becomes pretty (REDACTED) unhinged, and I feared for the Fuller’s couch. Their last couch he murdered brutally in season one and wore as his clothes.
Brown: It should be noted that Cosmo, the dog, wins the Clean Pie Eating Contest. I’m still convinced that all Cosmo thinks about is murder. He’s like that shifty-eyed dog from “The Simpsons,” you know he’s up to something.
And, we get into Danny’s dilemma: He’s getting divorced.
Froemming: Well, he got divorced and didn’t tell his family. He’s been living in a hotel for weeks. WHERE IS THAT SHOW? I would watch the downfall of Danny Tanner’s psyche over this garbage.
He confides this into his grandson, well…he starts projecting at his grandson very loudly, which will probably be one of those memories Jackson tells his therapist about when he is 30 and can’t hold life together.
Brown: Maybe I’m wrong here, but did Danny ever refer to his grandkids by name? Because I don’t recall that he ever did. My take: Bob Saget hates doing this and he’s refusing to acknowledge people by their character names.
Froemming: I wouldn’t doubt that is the case. I am not going back to see if he says the characters’ names because I don’t hate myself that much.
And his daughter’s hear this confession and they hug it out. This was Danny’s chance to take out Kimmy Gibbler, but alas, he probably wants his family to suffer.
EPISODE 4: My Little Hickey
Ramona asks Stephanie to keep quiet about her hickey while Fernando has a hard time adjusting to his new living situation.
Brown: This episode starts and I hate everything. Because Popko and his stupid porkpie hat are back.
Because I’ve wasted hours of my life on this series, Popko was Jackson’s a-hole friend from season two that inexplicably fell in like with Ramona. Hormones, I guess.
And those hormones get Ramona into trouble, because Popko gave her a hickey, which is as edgy a show like “Fuller House” will go.
I can appreciate the horror of a hickey. They’re gross. Also, this one came from Popko, who is a garbage person. Wow, haven’t dropped that phrase in a while.
Froemming: Popko is the only side character I remember because of that stupid (REDACTED) hat.
Brown: JOE-DOWN hot take: Stop it with porkpie hats, folks. They were never cool. You look like a tool.
Froemming: And because Ramona is a Gibbler and doomed to date losers, she is with Popko and yes, he gave her a hickey. In a few years, Popko will grow one of those peach fuzz mustaches, drive an old Camaro and will live with his bride Ramona in a trailer park, fulfilling his destiny.
Brown: Popko seems like the kind of kid in late middle school/early high school that thought they were God’s gift to the world because they made a water bong out of a Pepsi bottle.
Froemming: Ramona hides her shame by tying her hair over her chin, convincing her mother that chintails are a real thing because Kimmy Gibbler drank paint as a child.
But Stephanie, who claims she is an expert at hickeys (which is something people should never say out loud in any situation) spots Ramona’s Mark of the Beast and decides to help the kid out.
Brown: You said it yourself, Froemming: Ramona is trying to hide her shame. Who better to learn how to hide shame than from Stephanie Tanner? The person who dates Ramona’s uncle, which is the ultimate shame.
So now that Ramona’s neck is clean, let’s check on Jackson, who has legit goons in his kitchen. Also, Rocki was there! I was super excited until I realize she added LITERALLY NOTHING to anything in this episode.
Froemming: She was there to call Jackson and his friends idiots and losers. That was enough for me from our JOE-DOWN spirit animal.
Brown: That’s great and all. I just wish her importance wasn’t the same as the guy on the couch from “Half-Baked.”
Speaking of half-baked, let’s meet Jackson’s new posse. We have Mankowski, who constantly hits on Jackson’s mom, and she goes with it because … nope, not going down that rabbit hole.
There’s Nuggs. He’s just kind of there.
And then there’s Gene, who is discount Abed from “Community” because he speaks in nothing but movie quotes. He is the closest to Froemming and myself being in a “Fuller House” episode.
Froemming: I actually wrote that down in my notes. I related to Gene. I get that kid.
Jackson is now King of the Losers, who aspire to his D- grade in history.
Brown: And they’re not even lovable losers, like “The Sandlot” or a Stephen King movie. They’re the kind of losers that shoot squirrels while their dead eyes look down the sights. Killing small animals is the first sign of a serial killer. That’s what we’re dealing with here!
But, DJ thinks it’s good for Jackson to have friends like this, because he’s the leader for the first time in his life.
Froemming: This is how the Trump Administration came to be, folks.
We also have a side story with Fernando, whom I seriously am starting to think is suffering from CTE with his erratic behavior, such as building a door to his and the Fullers’ fence in the middle of the night. He also sneaks into the house, and runs and hides from DJ.
Call the (REDACTED) police, DJ. This is not normal behavior.
Brown: OK, this whole dynamic makes no sense to me at all.
Froemming: Wait, this is the thing that doesn’t make sense to you?
Brown: When nothing makes sense around you, it’s only the truly ludicrous that stands out. There is where we’re at with “Fuller House.”
So Fernando buys the house next door, but Kimmy doesn’t want to move in because she’s living for free in the Fuller house (she uses friendship/She-Wolf pack as her reasoning. We know she’s frugal). Fernando wants to see his family and DJ locks the door FOR
THE FIRST SECOND TIME IN THIS SERIES and tells Fernando he can come over only when she isn’t around.
Did Fernando and DJ get a divorce or something? Why does Fernando need visitation rights to see his (REDACTED) family? Stop fighting, mom and dad!
I need a scream pillow like Dennis Reynolds.
Froemming: I sometimes have Dennis Reynolds-style freak outs like the “hot one today” while watching this.
Brown: Let’s get back to our main story as Ramona goes with Popko to play laser tag. And because Kimmy is a leech who can’t act like a (REDACTED) adult, she follows her daughter there and uses Power Ranger-type moves in a game of (REDACTED) laser tag.
Plus, she cheats because she never puts on the laser tag vest. SHE CHEATS IN A CHILDREN’S GAME.
And thanks to the power of black lights, Kimmy is able to see through the makeup on Ramona’s neck to reveal the hickey.
Even typing the word hickey makes me feel gross.
Froemming: It looks like Ramona is wearing foundation and lip gloss. Wouldn’t the black lights make her face look like Heath Ledger’s Joker in this game? Why only point out the makeup on her neck? The science in this show is baffling.
Brown: OH, so THAT’S the thing you find baffling about this show?!
Kimmy isn’t happy that Ramona went to someone who is slightly more of an adult than she is in the house: Stephanie. Look, Kimmy, nobody is ever going to take you seriously. You dress like a maniac, and force-fed Steve wedding cake at a rapid pace so you could go play laser tag with your teenage daughter who didn’t even invite you.
Brown: Frankly, Ramona shouldn’t get her advice from anyone that lives under that roof. Or shares any bloodlines with her. Really, get out of San Francisco if you want help, Ramona.
Kimmy… just… just go away.
Froemming: At the end of this episode, Kimmy says Ramona has three moms. No, Kimmy. You’re an (REDACTED) adult. You are Ramona’s mother. Quit pushing your responsibility to a group of people who didn’t even want you to move in. You’re a monster, Kimmy Gibbler.
Reviews for episodes 5 and 6 will be up tomorrow, Sept. 27.