You people demanded it, and here it is. “Fuller House” week here at the JOE-DOWN. Something that was once an innocent joke has now become the bane of Joe Brown and I’s existence. So we will be reviewing Part One of season three this week.
EPISODE 5: Uncle Jesse’s Adventures in Babysitting
Fernando converts Kimmy’s old house into an exact replica of her childhood, which DJ, Stephanie and Kimmy visit while visiting Uncle Jesse babysits all the kids.
Froemming: This sums up where we are in life right now:
As I weep in the middle of the newsroom here, why don’t you start this off Brown?
Brown: Well, the characters take a hard look in the mirror and say that they no longer want to live in this house. They spill gasoline all over the floor and set it ablaze, never to speak to each other again.
Wait, that’s my head canon.
*sigh* So we get a quick scene where Jimmy and Fernando make a mess in the Fuller’s kitchen because apparently they won’t use their own kitchen 50 feet away?
And then, the man who made this nightmare comes back to life as Uncle Jesse barges into the house with his new daughter.
*sigh* John Stamos… go away.
Froemming: These people just show up at the Fuller house, unannounced after driving God knows how long. This show makes no (REDACTED) sense.
Uncle Jesse is in town for whatever reason, and instead of conversing with his nieces and the hell spawn that is named Kimmy Gibbler, they stick him with babysitting duty.
What are our women leads up to this fine evening? Why, they are finally going into the Gibbler home. A house that we have never seen, and after seeing, will forever scar my psyche in a way that Rob Zombie could only dream of with his films.
Brown: It’s Pee-Wee’s Playhouse without the charm. In fact, the house has a clown doorbell, which makes me think immediately that John Wayne Gacy used to be John Wayne Gibbler.
Now I get why Kimmy doesn’t want to go back into the old house with Fernando: She has haunting memories in the house and will start chucking rocks at it like Jenny in “Forrest Gump.”
Every chair in the Gibbler house makes fart noises. The doorbell is circus music. There’s a velcro wall for “time out.” If it were any more ‘80s, Yahoo Serious would be living in the attic.
Froemming: We also learn that the Gibbler parents have been in a bunker since Y2K, so at least some of the jokes now stretch beyond the time Kurt Cobain was alive.
Brown: Would not telling your parents, in their fallout shelter in the Everglades, that the world is safe, would that be constituted as murder? I feel like it should.
Froemming: Let’s not kid ourselves, the Gibbler parents found an out from these monsters, and took it. They are somewhere, drinks in hand, tan and happy knowing they will never see those people again. Unlike us….
Brown: A stupid subplot here is that Stephanie never actually went to the Gibbler house. And instead of appreciating that her life was never in danger with these clown killers, she shows resentment toward Kimmy for treating her like a third wheel. She did so as a child by saying the house was haunted. And because this is a show meant for children, we get a bunch of haunting jokes. Stephanie sees through it while Matt acts like a coward.
And as it turns out, it was all a big prank, because the Gibblers are moreso into anarchy than Heath Ledger’s Joker.
Froemming: There is a part where Kimmy farts in Matt’s face when he thinks he sat in a chair with a whoopee cushion. I broke down and had a hard cry for a solid five minutes.
But things are going rough over in the Fuller house. Max and Jackson can’t stand each other, much in the same way I can’t stand any of these co-dependant sociopaths. To settle this, Jesse puts Jackson in Tommy’s room, because Jesse is a terrible person who has no idea how to handle children.
And Ramona wants a new look for high school. Because this show is trapped in an 80s/90s Matrix, Jesse convinces her to get a perm. These rotten people deserve each other.
Brown: Look, in prior seasons we gave Joey plenty of grief for being the worst parent ever.
But, legit, JESSE IS THE WORST PARENT EVER!
He puts two infants on leashes and ties them to a bar stool, where one tug is going to split someone’s head open. He give the kids crayons, which are going all over the kitchen’s island. He causes dinner to catch on fire and REFUSES TO PUT IT OUT for about five minutes. And he doesn’t listen to Jackson and Max during their squabbles.
Just. The. Worst.
Froemming: What grown adult doesn’t know how to use a fire extinguisher? Has Jesse just Gumped his way through life? In a matter of a few minutes, he has destroyed DJ’s kitchen with his ineptness. No wonder Danny just made him dwell in the basement in the original show.
Also, Ramona now has Doc Brown from “Back To The Future’s” hairdo because Jesse wasn’t paying attention and she apparently can’t read instructions off a box.
If there was a crossover with “The Walking Dead,” these people would last about five minutes in a post-apocalyptic world. They barely function in their own world.
But hey, this is “Fuller House.” Jesse has a talk with DJ and Steph and realize he has to start dealing with family from the heart. His cold, dead, black heart. (REDACTED) all these people.
EPISODE 6: M-M-M-My Ramona
When Jackson frets over a bird that flew into a window, DJ gets the feeling that there’s another veterinarian in the family. Fernando and Kimmy fight over Ramona and Max freaks when Tommy destroys his stuffed unicorn.
Brown: Because we need a light in the vast darkness that is “Fuller House,” an adorable bird begins this episode because it knocked itself out by hitting a window. Jackson rescues the poor thing and the bird is eventually free because it has no desire to be near Kimmy Gibbler.
Bird, you get me.
And in this moment, DJ gets emotional because she thinks Jackson is going to go down the path she did and become a vet, something she wanted to do when she was 10 years old.
Hopefully someday, Jackson can continue the family trend of turning his children’s bloodstream into pixie stick sugar with all the sweets that are force-fed to them. Just like mommy dearest.
Froemming: Let’s not kid ourselves. Jackson later on in this episode says he wants to be a barista (or, barrister if you are Joe Brown), so he is on par for the course of forever living in DJ’s house, wasting away his life playing “Call of Duty” and thinking Adam Sandler is a comedic genius.
Now, we have Fernando trying to win over his daughter, who somehow managed to get rid of that Doc Brown shock hair from the previous episode.
How? Why, he gives her a bedroom that also has a dance studio and a frozen yogurt machine. And, taking a cue from DJ by killing children with sugar, stocks her with a candy store’s worth of chocolate toppings.
OK, I’m still unsure how Fernando was able to buy a house, seeing as he never works. So him spending the kind of cash that would build such a ridiculous room is something so insane that I couldn’t even register it in my brain. Like, I saw it on the screen, but refused to even allow myself to believe in this fiction. It is just too much.
Brown: I know he used to be a race-car driver, but you’re right. It’s like watching Peter Griffin in “Family Guy,” just coming up with whatever doodad (technical term) that makes a sorta-but-not-really visual joke that is purchased on hopes and dreams.
In this game of one-upmanship, which is AGAIN over a child of a loving family living with a parent 50 feet away from the other, Kimmy counters the frozen yogurt dance studio room with a miniature horse. Look, there is only one miniature horse my heart belongs to, and that’s Lil’ Sebastian.
Froemming: Let’s not ignore the fact that when told her biggest dream was on the other side of the curtain by Kimmy, Ramona wondered if it was a tied-up Harry Styles. Dear Lord, show… this is a child.
DJ brings Jackson to her vet, where he is shining as a receptionist. They already have one, Janet, whom DJ and Matt know nothing about. That is because they are selfish people. DJ is kinda upset that her son, who has shown absolutely zero indication he will be anything but a loser in life, will not follow in her footsteps of opening up an animal clinic in Chinatown.
Brown: Good on Jackson. You do you. You go and make coffee and get yelled at when it’s 5 a.m. because you screwed up someone’s grande latte because coffee is essentially drugs for business people.
A subplot we can gloss over: Max’s unicorn gets torn up. Tommy, a toddler, tears a big stuffed animal to shreds like it’s Hulk Hogan’s shirt. … Right.
So, because Stephanie let Tommy play with the unicorn, she feels bad, going so far as to try and bribe Max with Mr. Bear, her beloved stuffed animal from the original series. But thanks to Jimmy, who barges into the Fuller house like a coked-up Kramer (so, you know, normal Kramer), she eventually sews up Uni and makes Max’s day.
Froemming: Jimmy glues a horn on the tiny horse that isn’t Lil’ Sebastion and calls it a unicorn. I am angry just typing that.
Brown: And because Fernando and Kimmy are her parents, we get a Frozen Yogurt Pony Dance Party. It is exactly what the name implies.
I so hate this show.
Reviews for episodes 7, 8 and 9 will be up tomorrow, Sept. 28.